


This Is Letting Go

by MeteoraAngel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Assault, Balthazar is a Good Friend, Bees, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel Has Issues, Castiel Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Castiel Has a Cat, Castiel and Bees, Castiel and Netflix, Castiel in Panties, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dancing, Dean Cooks, Dean is a Sweetheart, Dean to the Rescue, Destiel - Freeform, Dirty Dancing, Dry Humping, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Feelings, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Frottage, Genderfluid, Genderfluid Castiel, Genderfluid Character, Groping, Impala Makeouts, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Law Student Sam, M/M, Making Out, Mechanic Dean, Music, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Pansexual Castiel, Past Rape/Non-con, Platonic Cuddling, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, alternating pronouns, shifting pronouns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-08-20 07:30:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 30,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8241347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeteoraAngel/pseuds/MeteoraAngel
Summary: Castiel Garrison dropped everything and left their life in Pontiac, Illinois to start a new life in Lawrence, Kansas. With the help of their friend Balthazar they hope to start over and be the person they want to be. Even if that person isn't always a -he-, as everyone would except the 6 foot tall, broadly built former accountant to be.Castiel is genderfluid, and while Balthazar accepts and loves them for who they are, will others? Will they be able to build a new life and get over the ghosts of their past? Or is history doomed to repeat its self?





	1. Panic Attacks and Pretty Green Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I would like to start by saying that this is my first Destiel fic, so please bear with me here. Also this is not being beta-read so feel free to message me if you notice any typos I missed,
> 
> I want to note I, myself, am genderfluid, but it is a very broad term and not all genderfluid people experience things the same. I will be shifting back and forth between pronouns as Cas' sense of gender shifts and I do hope it isn't too confusing.

Castiel woke in the grip of a severe panic attack. They lurched up, knocking the covers away as they fought for breath. Sweat was beading at their hairline and it started to trickle down as they frantically looked around the room, trying to figure out where they were. After a moment their racing thoughts began to slow and they recognized their surroundings.

They were safe. The room around them was familiar; the one they fell asleep in last night. Their new bedroom, in their new apartment in Kansas. Far away from everyone and everything that caused these dreams and damn attacks.

Cas took a deep breath through their nose and let it out slowly through their pursed lips as they ran a hand down their face to wipe sweat away. They took another breath. Then another. And another until they started to feel their body relax. They felt their thundering heart rate start to finally slow and after focusing on breathing a little longer they felt calm enough to get out of bed.

Kicking the remaining covers away they turned and stood, making their way to the little switch next to the door that brought the lights up in the small room. The light brought into focus the full body mirror on the back of the door, the dresser, the few still packed boxes of clothes, and a rather annoyed looking orange tabby cat on the floor, who was half covered by Castiel's discarded blanket.

Cas let out a chuckle at the perturbed look on the cats face "I'm sorry, Chester." They said as they bent down and pulled the blanket back, uncovering the feline. They gave the still annoyed cat a scratch behind the ear and the look of annoyance quickly faded to contentment as the cat began to purr and lean into Cas' touch.

The cats purring sent a pleasant buzz up Castiel's arm that seems to dissolve the remaining anxiety in their chest. They smiled and pulled away, much to Chester's displeasure, and turned to head for the kitchen. They never could get back to sleep after an attack, so might as well get on with the day.

As Cas walked down the hall Chester followed, staying to the left as they made their way down the short hall and into the little kitchen. Cas kicked a box out of the way of the counter before setting about prepping the coffee maker to brew. Chester weaved circles around their feet, purring happily in anticipation for Cas to finish and fix his breakfast.

Once the coffee maker was set and the familiar clicking sound began, Cas turned to see Chester sprinting across the little kitchen to where his dishes lie in wait. Cas shook their head and walked over, grabbing a can of wet food from the open shelf above and cracking it open before emptying the contents into the little glass dish for the anxious feline. Chester let out a happy "Prrrtt" noise before digging in ravenously.

As Chester ate Cas wandered into the living room where they flopped sideways onto their new couch before pulling their feet up so they sat facing out the window behind said piece of furniture. It was early, maybe 6AM, and the sun was just starting to lighten the sky outside. They gazed out at the other buildings and sighed.

The apartment was on the 4th floor of an older building in downtown Lawrence, and just high enough that Cas had a good view of the surrounding area. He could even see where the edge of town turned to open farmland. It was charming. That was why they moved here. They wanted a fresh start somewhere completely new. And it helped that their friend Balthazar had moved here as well; though to the other side of town.

A loud burbling from the kitchen alerted Cas to the coffee being done and they pushed up off the couch and gave a stretch, letting their bones pop and muscles strain pleasantly before making their way back out to pour them self a cup of the much needed liquid.

Chester was still going to town on their bowl of food, happily ignoring Cas as they stopped to pet the feline before heading back to their perch on the corner of the couch with their mug in hand.

Cas let their legs stretch out on the couch as the sipped their coffee and thought about their plans for the day. They had to unpack the rest of their things for starters, then they needed to get their ass in gear and go job hunting.

Before moving to Kansas Cas had been working as a tax accountant, and they hated every moment of it. They were good with numbers, math came easy to them, but the job was the most god awful thing they had ever had to endure. Okay, second most, but we won't go into that now. They couldn't be themselves in that sort of professional setting. No one will take you seriously when you come to work in a trench coat and suit one day, and the same trench coat with a blouse and skirt the next.

When they had been hired out of college they explained to the hiring management of the firm that they were genderfluid, that their gender identity changed over time and that sometimes that meant they identified as female, not male. And that ideally they would like to dress accordingly. They were assured it would be alright, as long as they stayed professional about the whole thing and didn't mind that some clients might take issue.

Turns out that the clients were no problem, the other accountants were where the issue really lied. Cas had come to work more than once to find notes on their desk making threats, or to hear coworkers mutter about them from somewhere in the hive of cubicles.

They had always been able to take it. They knew who they were and they could take anything people wanted to dish out. So what if sometimes they were a man, sometimes they were a women, and sometimes they felt like neither. All that should matter to anyone is that they were the same person regardless of how they present them self.

Cas started at their feet. By now their coffee was half gone and they were waking up enough for their sense of self to start to kick in. They felt like a girl right now. Cas smiled at that realization and wiggled their toes as they thought about painting the nails blue, or maybe green.

Just as Cas finished her coffee Chester came up and jumped in her lap, bumping his head against Cas' hand in an attempt to gain attention. Cas smiled and stroked the cat from head to tail a few times before moving him to the floor and setting her cup on the table.

Today was going to be the day, Cas thought to herself. She was going to get everything put away, get dressed, and head out job hunting. New day, new life, new Castiel.

~~~~~~

It took Cas 5 hours to get everything unpacked. The bedroom had been the tricky part. Cas decided to organize her closet and dresser so the left side was men's clothes, the middle was things that could be worn whenever, and the right was all women's clothes. It has seemed simple enough at the time. It really had. But then they realized they had far too many clothes in general and had to start a box for things that they were willing to give to Goodwill. That had been what had really eaten time.

But now everything was put away and organized and Cas felt great. She smiled triumphantly as she pulled a blue button up blouse and a pair of jeans that hugged her legs nicely from the closet and dresser. She wanted to look good today. Most day's it was all about comfort, but today she wanted to feel pretty, not just good.

Cas stared at herself in the mirror once she was finished getting dressed. Her face had the right curves that she always looked "pretty", or at least that's what Balthazar always said. Sometimes she had trouble seeing it. Blame dysphoria. After a moment of staring she went into the bathroom and proceeded to put on just a touch of eye shadow and lip gloss. Nothing too standoutish. Just enough to make her look more feminine.

With that she looked herself over in the mirror again and smiled. Now she felt pretty, but just to be safe she went back to the bedroom and retrieved her phone from where it laid on the nightstand charging. She opened the camera app, smiled and took a selfie that she promptly sent to Balthazar with the message 'Am I missing anything?' A moment later the phone buzzed with they reply 'Bumble bee clip'.

Cas let out a laugh and opened the drawer of the night stand and pulled out a small hair clip with a bumble bee on it. She slipped it into her dark brown bangs and used it to pin them aside. With that she took another selfie, this time with one brow raised in question before snapping the photo and hitting send. Balthazar replied quickly again 'Much better. Lovely as always, Cassie. Big plans?'

Cas hit the call button next to Balthazar's name and a moment later his voice came across the line, British influenced accent making him sound a tad too chipper "Hello, Cassie."  
Cas smiled at the nickname "Hello, Balthazar. I'm about to go job hunting. Do you have any suggestions on where I should start?" She asked as she walked out into the living room, preparing to get her feet dressed and head out on her little adventure.

Balthazar hummed across the line as he thought. "Have you decided on the kind of job you're looking for?"

Cas rolled her eyes as she grabbed a pair of flats from beside the front door then moved to take a seat on the couch to slip them on. "Something simple. Maybe a bookstore or coffee shop?"

"Hmm. Well there are several of those around town. I'd say just wander about and see who's hiring." Balthazar said before there was a loud crash heard from his end of the line. "Damn it! Cassie, I have to go. Somebody just broke a $3,000 vase. Try going a few blocks out in any direction, there are plenty of shops hiring right now." He groaned dramatically at another crash.

"Alright, thank you for the advice Balthazar, and try to keep your temper in check. I cannot afford to bail you out every time someone breaks a piece of art at the gallery." Cas teased.

Balthazar scoffed "I make no promises. Good luck, Cassie. I'll see you tonight." He said before hanging up.

Cas clicked the screen off and quickly pulled on her shoes before grabbing her wallet and keys.  On the way out she did a quick sweep of the room to make sure Chester wasn't lying in wait to attempt an escape.

It was oddly chilly out for the first week of September. Cas briefly wondered if she should duck back in for her coat but decided against it. A little cold feels good now and then. She looked right, then left, then right again before deciding to head left. She had wandered around town a few times in the last week and she knew she would find plenty of coffee shops and stores in either direction. She had a good feeling about going left though.

Sure enough within an hour she had 9 job applications and a suggestion to drive out to the apple orchard about 10 minutes outside of town. One of the coffee shop owners had informed her that her aunt ran the place and needed a new clerk for the general store they kept year round.

Cas was feeling good as she walked home with the stack of applications in hand. Only a few people had given her the odd looks while she was out and no one had said anything rude or offensive. At least not that she heard anyway.

Cas could feel herself starting to shift back towards being male and let out a laugh. She felt very in tune today. Usually she didn't realize she had shifted until something happened to draw attention to it. So it was a nice surprise to realize it as it was happening.

Cas opened the front door to the apartment building and stepped into the warmth with a smile before checking their mail and heading for the stairs. The elevator would be faster, but they felt good and the jog up to the 4th floor sounded nice where they skipped going for a run this morning.

Cas wasn't even really out of breath by the time he reached his floor. Years of running had him in good enough shape that jogging up a few flights of stairs was nothing. In fact he was feeling so good as he walked down the hall to his apartment that when his next door neighbor stepped out into the hall Cas couldn't help but grin and wave to the man.

Cas hand't actually met any of his neighbors yet. He had seen this one before though. In the morning when he would go out for a run. They always looked like they were heading to work. Dirty blonde hair sometimes wet from a early morning shower, green eyes bright in the early morning sun, and a little red and white cooler in the tall man's hand as he stepped out of the building to leave while Cas stood on the sidewalk stretching in preparation to take off.

"Hello." Cas said happily as he continued to head towards his own apartment.

His neighbor looked him up and down once before smiling back and giving a small wave of his own. "Hey" he said "You just moved in right? I'm Dean." He held out his hand to Cas, still smiling away.

Cas paused before the slightly taller man, standing just a little too close, and took the hand offered as he stared into those eyes that were even more impossibly green up close. "Yes. I'm Castiel. it’s nice to meet you, Dean."

Dean looked Cas up and down once again, licking his lower lip quickly before speaking again. "Job hunting?" He asked, gesturing to the papers in Cas' other hand as they released their grip on one another.

Cas was momentarily mesmerized by the movement of Dean's tongue, damn he was even better looking up close, but he quickly shook it off. "Yes, I just came home to fill out applications" he said, looking down at the papers in question. For a moment he had forgotten what he was wearing, when he looked down he remembered and felt a slight blush creep up on his thankfully already flushed cheeks. "And maybe change clothes.." He mumbled lowly to himself more than Dean.

Dean heard him though and raised a brow. "Why? You look fine the way you are." He said with a broader smile than before.

When Cas raised his eyes he caught Dean staring before quickly looking away and turning a tad pink himself. "Thank you. My state of dress doesn't quite fit how I feel at the moment though."

Dean looked back to him, eyebrow raised in question again but he didn't ask. "Well, anyway I gotta get headed. It was nice meeting you, Cas. I'll see you around." He said with a wink before turning and heading for the elevator.

"It was nice meeting you as well, Dean." Cas watched as Dean's long bowlegs carried him away in an obvious hurry. He could feel his smile growing wider as he watched the man disappear around the corner and out of sight.


	2. Apple Orchards and Honey Bees

Once Dean was out of sight Cas turned and walked the short distance to his own apartment. He gave the door a warning kick before unlocking and opening it. Sure enough Chester was standing on the other side, back arched, fur puffed out and a startled look in his green eyes.

"Hello, Chester." He said to the cat as he stepped in and closed the door behind him. Chester made a grumbling sound of displeasure at Cas before turning and sauntering off down the hall. Cas sighed at the cat "Stop sleeping in front of the door and I will stop kicking it to scare you away." He told the feline who was obviously ignoring him.

After a quick shower Cas put on a pair of men's jeans and a white button up shirt before settling down in the living room with his stack of application. It took him roughly an hour and a half to fill them all out. By the time the last one was over with he found himself staring at the stack set before him and debating if he should go hand them in now, or wait until tomorrow.

He didn't want to seem desperate, or confuse people by asking for an application dressed and presenting himself as a woman, then turn said applications only hours later dressed and presenting himself as a man. Most days he wouldn't have even bothered to change clothes after a shift. The only exceptions being a particularly bad bout of dysphoria, or a wardrobe malfunction.

After more thought and a quick lunch Cas decided to drive out to the apple orchard and ask for an application. He could turn them all in tomorrow. Assuming everyone was open on Sunday that is. He should probably have taken a closer look at business hours while he was out gathering applications.

Cas took a look around the apartment and found Chester sound asleep on his discarded blanket back in his bedroom before throwing on his trench coat and grabbed the box of clothes he had sorted to take to Goodwill. Might as well drop them off on the way. Maybe stop by the grocery store on his way home as well. Balthazar was bringing dinner over that night, but he could stand to buy some more things for the house.

Cas paused at the door to the stairs before continuing on and taking the elevator, deciding not to risk dropping the bulky box in favor of taking the stairs like he usually preferred. Cas sat the box down beside his feet, not seeing the point in holding it on the slow ride down to the lobby.

Cas leaned back against the wall and listened to the hum of the elevator motors as he watched the numbers tick down from 4 to 1. He pushed away from the wall as the doors began to slide open, preparing to pick the box of clothes back up. He paused in his movements when the doors slid open to reveal a rather bored, then surprised looking Dean, who was now looking him up and down questioningly.

Dean did a double take when he saw Castiel on the other side of the elevator doors. The nicely combed hair he had seen a few hours ago was now mussed from being quickly towel dried after Cas' shower. The slightly loose light blue blouse Cas wore before that had made their eyes pop was replaced by a well fitted white button up shirt, and the jeans that had hugged every curve of Cas' legs and ass were replaced with men's jeans, that while still hugging his legs nicely, didn't have quite the same effect on his figure. Even his shoes were different, black slip on flats replaces with shiny black boots.

Cas gave a small, barley there smile at Dean's somewhat confused expression "Hello, Dean." He said as he picked the box of clothes up off the elevator floor and stepped out into the small lobby.

Dean looked Cas over once more before smiling at him. "Hey, Cas. You weren't kidding about changing your clothes I see." He then gestured towards the box. "Getting rid of a few things?"

Cas nodded, suddenly feeling a tightness in his chest he looked down and moved to balance the box so it was held with one arm. He pulled his car keys from his pocket quickly. "Yes. Um.. I don't mean to be rude, but I have errands to attend to." He said gesturing towards front door of the building with his car keys in hand.

Dean blinked at Cas' sudden change in attitude and nodded "Yeah, sure. See you around." He said before stepping past Cas onto the elevator. He watched Cas walk away, noticing a stiffness in the way he moved that hadn't been there when they met before. The doors to the elevator slid closed just as Cas disappeared out the front door of the apartment building.

Cas didn't look back at Dean as the doors slid closed. Instead he made a b-line for the door and headed to the parking lot out back of the apartment building. A minute later he was at his car and fumbling with his keys to get the door open. As soon as it was he threw the box of clothes into the passenger side and slid in behind the wheel where he slumped against the seat heavily.

Taking a shaky breath Cas tried to figure out what juts happened. He was fine. But something about the way Dean kept looking at him set him off. What if Dean was playing him? It wasn't often someone saw Cas as a women, then a man, and didn't seem to be phased by it. Red flags crept up in the back of Cas' mind that Dean was playing him, and he wasn't sure if they were real or not.

Cas took a few slow breaths to calm himself down. Dean doesn't know him. Dean has no reason to play him. Dean is a total stranger. Yes, a very handsome, friendly stranger, but still a stranger. He just needed to remind himself that. A few more slow breaths and Cas felt calm enough to start the car and head off.

The attendant at the drop off doors of Goodwill happily took the box from Cas and offered to write him a tax receipt. Cas declined, saying there was no need and hurrying back into his car. He was still feeling the grip of an anxiety attack and he wanted to get everything done as quickly as possible. Even listening to music on the car ride over wasn't helping calm his frayed nerves.

It didn't take Cas long after that to find the road out of town he was looking for, then the apple orchard. The trees were a dead giveaway long before the signs even cropped up. The orchard was large. Tree field stretching for a full mile before finally opening up to reveal a dirt road that extended out far past the bright red barn and general store that was set about 200 feet back from the main road.

Cas pulled up to the store and parked his old Lincoln Continental next to a string of other vehicles. The place was busy. People walking around with their children, some being pulled in little red wagons, most carrying bags of apples as they grinned like mad men and told their parents they wanted to do various things with all of the apples they picked.

Cas smiled as he watched them a moment before making his way up to the store and going inside. A small bell jingled as the door swung open, but no one inside seemed to pay any mind except a young woman with red hair behind the counter. She automatically locked her green eyes on Cas and grinned. "Welcome to Rocky Ridge! Let me know if I can help you with anything!" She chirped.

Cas walked up to the counter and gave a small, crooked smile back to the still grinning redhead. "Hello, I was told you were looking for counter staff. I was wondering if I could get an application."

The girl nodded and quickly turned around, grabbing a piece of paper off of a low shelf. "We are, the hours are part time at the moment, but that will change next month when we start doing hay rides in the evenings." She said as she turned around and handed Cas a piece of paper with writing on both sides.

Cas nodded and looked the application over. "What hours do you need filled?" He asked as he read over the information on the page before him.

"To start, 10AM to 2PM. Next month that'll extend to 7PM. The perks are a discount on everything in the store, plus free apples and one free meal a day." She said gesturing to the counter at the back of the store.

Cas looked up from the application with an amused little smile playing across his features "May I ask why the application says 'Must not be afraid of bees'?"

The girl laughed. "We have a bee sanctuary on the back of the property. They're pretty mellow, but we don't want people freaking out if a few fly into the store. We get enough of that from the customers."

Cas nodded in understanding. "I actually know quite a bit about bees. I find them fascinating." He said as he looked around the store. It was a proper general store, with everything you would expect to find. But it was old, all warm wood and soft lighting. One wall was completely dedicated to homemade apple and honey products, and there was a counter at the back where people could purchase sandwiches and baked goods.

The girl behind the counter raised a brow at Cas. "Really? How fast do honey bees fly?" She asked.

Cas looked back at her, his expression neutral "15 miles per hour."

"How many eyes do they have?"

"Five. Three on top of their head, and two large eyes on either side."

"How many hours do honey bees sleep?"

"That is a trick question. Honey bees do not sleep."

The woman looked surprised by the speed and accuracy of Castiel's answers. "Names Charlie, if you wanna fill that out now I'll hand it in to the boss when she gets here later and tell her she should hire you ASAP." She said, gesturing to the application in Castiel's hand before holding out a pen for him to use.

Cas blinked, taken aback by Charlies frankness "Really?"

Charlie nodded and waved the pen at him. "Really. If you can remember all of that then you should be more than smart enough to run a cash register and answer simple questions for customers."

Cas smiled as he took the pen and quickly filled out the application.

Charlie accepted the paper and pen back from Cas before she skimmed over the information and set both aside. "Alright Castiel. I'll call you in a day to so to let you know what the boss says."

Cas nodded "Alright. Thank you very much, Charlie."

"Don't mention it. See you later." Charlie said, giving him the Vulcan salute as she watched Cas turn towards the door to leave.

Cas gave a small wave and paused long enough to grab a pamphlet about the orchard and apiary on his way out. He tucked it into his coat pocket as he left the store and made his way to his car.

A vibration in Cas' pocket as he sat behind the wheel alerted him to a new text message. Cas pulled his phone out and clicked the screen to life. 'Pizza, or Thai?' Was all the text from Balthazar said. Cas hummed for a moment in thought before typing out a quick reply of 'Thai, and don't forget the chopsticks.' Before starting the car and taking off.

Cas made a quick stop at wal-mart on his way home. He really did need to pick up some things. Residual anxiety or not. Groceries, cat food, new towels, and a bottle of whiskey. He hid the whiskey in between the towels on the off chance that Balthazar was already at his place waiting when he got back.

Balthazar didn’t approve of Castiel drinking. Hell, Cas didn't even really like to drink at this point. But some nights he needed something to help him sleep. Having Chester helped. The cat always seemed to know when Cas needed to not be alone. He would lie in bed at night, mind racing, and suddenly there would be a furry body flopped on his chest and purring loudly. Some nights that was enough. But for the nights that it wasn't he kept a bottle of Johnny Walker in the drawer beside his bed.

Cas tried not to think about it as he got behind the wheel and headed home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all are enjoying the story so far.  
> I have to confess, Rocky Ridge is the name of the Orchard by my house in Maine. They aren't quite as big as the orchard in the story, but I liked the name, and the store, so it got a place in the story.  
> Also the facts Cas listed about Bee's are all real. Feel free to google them =)


	3. Netflix and Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! The following chapter contains violence and implies the rape of a character.  
> I'm sorry in advanced.

By the time Cas arrived home the last lingering effects of his anxiety were finally melting away. He almost felt good again; almost. Though the walk up the three flights of stairs, which he normally enjoyed felt longer than usual.

Cas wasn't at all surprised to find his door unlocked, and Balthazar scurrying about the kitchen pulling dishes from cupboards so they could eat their dinner properly. Cas shook his head and set his bags down by the kitchen door. "You realize you could have waited for me to arrive, instead of making a mess of my kitchen."

Balthazar jumped at the sound of Cas' voice and spun around quickly, almost knocking over the plates he had set on the counter beside him. "There you are! I tried calling you to ask where everything was, you didn't answer."

Cas stared at his friend in confusion "You did?" He reached into his pocket to retrieve his phone only to find it gone. He check his other pockets quickly then sighed. "I set my phone down in the car when I was leaving the orchard. It must still be there." He said before turning to go back out and retrieve it.

"Wait! Did something happen? You've changed since we talked this morning." Balthazar said as he walked over and put a hand on Cas' arm, making the taller man turn to face him.

Cas smiled at his friends concern. "Nothing happened, Balthazar. I simply shifted while I was walking home earlier and decided to change clothes. I actually had a fairly good day. I may even have a job." Cas said before picking up one of the bags of groceries and passing it to Balthazar to put away the contents.

"Is that so? Where at? Did you use me as a reference?"

"If the girl I spoke to is to be believed, then I might have a job at Rocky Ridge Apple Orchard." Cas beamed as he pulled the pamphlet from his pocket and set it on the counter beside the bag that Balthazar was working to empty.

"An apple orchard? Really, Cassie? Please don't tell me you're going to be picking apples for a living, or taking peoples rugrats around to pick apples?" Balthazar mock shuddered as he continued to put various groceries into the cupboards "Or are you working in the bee sanctuary I've heard the locals chattering about?"

"I'm not working anywhere yet. And no, I applied to work the counter of the general store. Though I would love to work in the apiary if a position were to open."

"Well then, when are you expecting to hear back about the position?" Balthazar asked as he turned to grab one of the other bags Castiel had brought inside.

"Charlie said she would call me as soon as she received word from the owner. So I really should go grab my phone in case she calls sooner rather than later." Cas said before turning to walk out of the room. He grabbed the bag that contained his new towels and hidden bottle of whiskey along the way and made a point to set them in his room before heading outside.

By the time Castiel made it back upstairs with his phone Balthazar had finished putting away all of the groceries, and had dished out their dinner onto plates.

Cas hung up his trench coat, kicked off his shoes and took a seat at his kitchen table while Balthazar retrieved them each a beer from the fridge.

"You're drinking beer?" Cas asked, taking the bottle offered to him before rolling up the sleeves of his shirt.

"What can I say, it was a long day. And besides, I didn't find any liquor while I was rummaging through your cupboards." The blonde said before dropping into his seat heavily and taking a sip of his beer. "So how was your day? I see you got everything put away finally." He gestured around the room before setting his beer down and picking up his fork.

Cas nodded, taking a bite of pad thai and swallowing before speaking. "It went well. Everything is finally put away, and I picked up several applications while I was out. I also met one of my new neighbors. He seem's nice."

Balthazar raised a brow in question "Oh? Well that's good. No panic attacks then?"

Cas shook his head, swallowing another bite of his meal before answering; eyes fixed on his dinner plate as he spoke. "I had two. I woke up having one, then another on my way to run errands this afternoon. I feel fine now, though."

Balthazar eyed Cas wearily "Alright. Do you want to talk about it? Or do you already know what triggered them?"

Cas looked up from his plate, blue eyes a little unsure as he spoke "I had the dream again. As for the second attack, I was talking to Dean, the neighbor I mentioned, and for a moment I thought he was simply being nice as a way of playing me." He sighed and looked to his plate again, stabbing at a stray piece of chicken with his chopsticks. "We met this morning when I was still dressed as a woman, and then again when I was leaving to run errands. He didn't do or say anything that could be considered a trigger, I believe. I'm not sure why I panicked, honestly."

Balthazar hummed in thought for a moment. "Perhaps the fact that he didn't do anything is why you panicked? You met him one way, then another in a short span of time and he didn't react the way you expect most people to who aren’t aware of your identity." He said with a shrug before taking a sip of beer and going back to eating his dinner.

"I suppose that makes sense."

The two friend chatted a bit more over dinner before Balthazar took his leave, saying he had an early day at the gallery in preparation for a show that night.

That's how Cas found himself on the couch, lying with his feet on one arm rest while his head rested on the other, Chester curled up on his stomach as he watched netflix. Tonight's binge was Eureka.

Three episodes in to season two Cas found himself dozing off. He clicked the TV off and carefully scooped up Chester, who made a small noise of annoyance but allowed himself to be carried to his humans bed.

Castiel set Chester down before stripping to his boxers and climbing into bed. As soon as he was on his back with the blanket pulled up Chester climbed onto his chest, flopping down so that his butt rested on Castiel's right shoulder, back diagonal to his jaw, and head dead center of his chest.

Castiel was about to grumble a protest when Chester began to purr, not loudly, but deep in his chest. It reverberated strongly into Cas' own body and he felt himself begin to relax.

"Good night, Chester." He whispered before scratching the feline behind the ear lightly.

Chester leaned into the touch and purred more intensely.

Moment's later Castiel was sound asleep, warm and content.

The contentment didn't last. Castiel found themself in their old office building. It was late. About 11PM, and everyone else had gone home hours ago. Their computer had crashed that day, all files they had worked on had been wiped. So they stayed late, re-entering numbers and typing reports that had to be turned in by the next day.

The sound of a door opening and closing caught their attention and the lifted their head to look up over the cubicle wall. They were in a back corner, so it was easy enough to see the group of drunken coworkers wandering in and directly towards them.

"There she is!" Bartholomew shouted, slurring his words as he spoke. "I told you she would be here, didn't I?" He crooned, elbowing one of the other members of the group in the ribs.

Cas heaved a sigh, they were far too tired for this right now. And it was odd that Bartholomew was the one call them a girl at the moment. He was always so nice to Cas. Always friendly and polite and using the proper pronouns when it was obvious what Castiel was presenting as at the time "I'm not a –she- at the moment. And I believe you should go home Bartholomew." They said calmly before turning back to their work.

"Now don't be like that, darlin'." Another voice called out, just as sloshed sounding as the Bartholomew.

The lot of them made their way up to Cas' cubicle and stopped, crowding around the small gap that served as the only exit.

Cas turned in their chair to face the group of coworkers. None of which he really knew except Bart and Uriel. "I do not appreciate being called "Darlin'", and I really think you should all leave. You are obviously inebriated and should go sleep this off before work tomorrow." They stood from their chair then, making themself tower over the group before them. It was only a few inches of height difference. But something about this whole situation was making Cas uneasy and they knew their size tended to intimidate people.

Two of the three unknown coworkers took a step back, the third, who was only about an inch shorter than Cas, with dark hair and even darker eyes, stayed right where they stood alongside Bartholomew and Uriel.

Cas was about to say something more when Bartholomew lunged forward, knocking them full force against the wall. The few framed pictures Cas kept rattled with the force of impact and Cas let out a groan as the wind was knocked out of their lungs.

"Hey, you said we were just going to mess with them!" Came a slightly panicked voice from out of Castiel's current field of vision.

"We are." Said Bartholomew as he leaned into Cas, pressing an arm to their throat while grabbing one of Cas' wrist and pinning it above their head. "Isn't that right, Castiel. We're just messing around." He slurred, breath reeking strongly of vodka as he leaned in close to Castiel's face.

Cas tried to gasp for breath, lungs still burning and drawn tight from the air being knocked out of them. They grabbed hold of Bartholomew's arm with their free hand, managed to pull it loose enough to draw a gasping breath before another set of hands was on them.

Uriel was there now as well, grabbing Cas's free arm and pulling it aside to pin over their head before punching them in the ribs so they lurched forward into Bartholomew's hold at the sudden jolt of pain. "What's the matter Castiel? You're usually so friendly."

Cas tried to pull their arms free, tried to twist their body out of the hold the two men had on them. When they tried to speak they could only manage a raspy exhale as Bartholomew pushed the arm at their throat against them harder.

"Now, now, Castiel. We just want to settle a bet is all." Came the voice of the person who hadn't stepped back when they stood up before. The man had stepped forward and were looking at Cas with a dark grin as he held up a rather sizable hunting knife.

Castiel's eyes grew wide at the gleam of metal in the unnamed man's hand. The man took a step closer and Cas froze. Fear making their limbs lock. The only sounds they heard as the man drew closer was the sound of their heart pounding in their own ears.

Bartholomew leaned in closer then, full weight on Castiel's left side keeping them pinned to the wall as Uriel kept their right side in place as well. The smell of alcohol on their breaths would have been unbearable, were Castiel able to breathe properly at that moment.

"Come on, Virgil. We don't have all night." Uriel grumbled as he tightened his hold on Castiel's wrist.

Virgil rolled his eyes and waved the knife in his hand haphazardly as he spoke "Don't rush me. I want to enjoy this." He said darkly before bringing the tip of the blade to the top button of Castiel's shirt. With a flick of the wrist the button was gone, then the next, and the next until he reached the point where Castiel's shirt tucked below the line of their slacks.

Cas remained stock still, barely drawing breath. Bartholomew had loosened his choke hold on Cas and they had more than enough space to breathe now, but they were too afraid. Some small part of their brain telling them one wrong move and they could end up dead.

It didn’t even register to Cas that the two people who had backed off weren't even there anymore, having taken off when Virgil pull out the knife.

Virgil used the tip of the blade to push open the top of Castiel's shirt enough to expose a long strip of smooth tan skin. "Hm. No bra. You boys win that bet. But I'm willing to go double or nothing that our little Castiel is wearing panties." He practically purred as he leaned in close enough that Castiel almost gagged on the smell of his breath. Cigars and rum.

Bartholomew barked a laugh. "I'll take that bet. After all, Castiel here says they aren't a girl today." He mocked, pushing his arm to Cas' throat again, making them whimper at the pressure.

Uriel heaved a sigh "Deal." He sounded bored, but kept his grip firm as Virgil trailed the tip of the knife down Castiel's chest.

Cas felt their chest growing tighter and tears sting at the corner of their eyes as they squeezed them shut. A moment later they felt their pants loosen as the button was cut away. Then rough hands grabbed on either side of the zipper and pulled, causing the material to tear down the side rather than separate the way it was intended.

Virgil let out a whistle as Cas' pants fell in a heap around their feet, revealing a pair of light blue boy-short style panties as their only source of cover below the waist now.

Both Bartholomew and Uriel cursed. Before Cas could open their eyes again the arm against their throat was gone and a fist was slamming into their solar plexus, making them cry out in pain and lurch forward.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH MONEY YOU JUST COST ME!" Bartholomew shouted in Castiel's face before punching him again.

Cas cried out as a fist collided with their gut again, making them curl in on themselves and gag as they felt their stomach do a flip at the unwanted contact.

A third hit connected in the same spot a moment later, this time it was Uriel who landed the blow.

Castiel yelled, cried, begged them to stop but hit after hit kept coming. When they thought they couldn't take any more they were let go, allowing them to fall to the floor in a heap.

Right as Castiel heard the sound of a zipper they jolted awake to the sound of banging and a voice shouting their name. They jolted up, chest heaving as they gasped for breath. They were in bed, blanket tangled around their legs, a loud banging coming from somewhere down the hall.

They pushed themself up and quickly moved towards the source of the noise on unsteady legs.

The source of the noise was coming from the front door. Without thinking to check who it was first Cas threw the door open and was greeted by the sight of a sleep rumpled, frantic looking Dean. Dean, who was only wearing a t-shirt and pair of boxers as he stood, one hand on the door fame and the other balled into a fist ready to slam on the door again.

"Cas! Is everything alright? I heard shouting and when you didn't stop I ran over." Dean said as he looked past Castiel for any sign of an intruder or struggle. His gaze then turned to Cas themself and his eyes grew impossibly wide with concern.

Cas' body was shaking slightly, either from fear or adrenaline, they couldn't say for sure "Yes.." They said shakily. "Everything is fine.."

Dean gave Cas a skeptical look "You don't look fine. You're white as a sheet and you're crying." He said, pointing to Castiel's face.

Cas reached up and wiped at their eyes, finding tears still flowing freely. "It's nothing." They rasped. "Really. I appreciate the concern, Dean. I'm sorry to have awoken you." They took a deep breath through their nose and let it out slowly, trying to will their tears to stop.

Dean frowned, concern still obvious in his features. "Don't worry about that, I was about to get up anyway." Dean paused, looking Cas over quickly before speaking again. "Listen, whatever it is you're obviously upset. You don't have to tell me whats up, but if you'd like I'm about to make a pot of coffee and some breakfast. Why don't you come and join me. I need to use up some of the eggs and vegetables I have in the fridge before they go bad. You'd be doing me a favor, honestly." Dean gave his best, most charming smile then gestured down the hall towards his apartment.

Cas blinked a few times, mostly to force the last of the tears in their eyes away as they processed what Dean was saying. "Alright.." They said slowly. "I'll be over shortly.. " they said, pointing towards their room, hoping it was obvious they meant to go get dressed.

Dean nodded. "Alright, see you in a few." He gave Cas another reassuring smile before turning and going back to his apartment.

Castiel closed the door and turned to lean against it, allowing themself to slide down to a sitting position on the floor. They closed their eyes and took several deep breaths. In through their nose and out through their mouth. They felt the vice around their chest start to lessen as they let each breath out.

When they opened their eyes again Chester was sitting in front of them, green eyes studying Castiel carefully.

Cas sighed "What did I just agree to?" They asked the feline, who meowed in response before sauntering off towards the kitchen; leaving Cas alone with their thoughts.


	4. Coffee and Conversation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I actually wrote more to that dream from later chapter than what I posted, but I didn't put it in for a few reasons. I don't want to give everything away yet. Anyway, here is a nice fluffy chapter. I felt bad beating on Cas and this hopefully makes up for it a bit.

Cas wasn't aware of how long they actually sat before forcing themself to their feet and going to their bedroom. The room was much brighter than before, they had at least sat long enough that the sun had time to rise in any case.

They pulled a clean t-shirt and a pair of pajama bottoms from their dresser and threw them on before stepping into their bee slippers (A gift from Balthazar), pocketed their cell phone, and making their way to the kitchen, where they rounded the corner to find Chester patiently waiting beside his food dish.

Chester meowed loudly at Castiel as they entered the room, and gave an impatient flick of his tail while he watched the human shuffle in and head for the cupboard that the felines food was kept in.

"Impatient as always, I see." Cas muttered as they grabbed a can of wet food and pulled back the lid. Once Chester was distracted they slipped out into the hallway and padded down to Deans door.

Dean answered a moment after Castiel knocked, smiling as he stepped aside to let them in. "Was starting to wonder if you were coming." He said as he closed the door behind Cas.

Cas looked around as Dean spoke, finding the apartment to be an exact mirror image of their own in layout. Meaning Dean's bedroom was on the other side of their own. That explains why he heard them yelling in their sleep. "I apologize, I needed a moment to compose myself. Also my cat needed feeding before I could leave."

Dean nodded and led Cas to the kitchen, where a pot of coffee was just finishing dripping. "You have a cat? I thought there were no animals allowed in the building?" He asked as he pulled a cup from a small cupboard, the same small cupboard Castiel used for their own coffee cups, and went to fill it with the freshly made coffee.

Cas leaned against the doorway of the kitchen as they watched Dean move about. "They don't. Chester is an ESA. I have post traumatic stress disorder and he helps with the symptoms. The manager of the building had me pay an additional $200 deposit, but they had no problem with my having him." They explained, expression and voice neutral as they spoke.

Dean nodded along in understanding before handing Cas a cup of coffee. He was about to ask if Cas needed anything for it, but upon taking it they took a sip straight away and let out a content sigh. "PTSD, huh? Feel free to tell me to cram it, but I take it all of that shouting was you have a nightmare then?"

Cas blinked at Dean, surprised by his frankness "Yes... I have them a few times a week.." They took another sip of coffee before continuing "When I'm under stress they tend to be worse. Though I was unaware that I shout during them until now." They took another sip of coffee and watched as Dean's green eyes seemed to soften at their explanation.

"Yeah, I get what that's like." He said with a nod before licking his lips." When I was a kid there was a fire, my mom died. I still get nightmares about it sometimes. They were worse when I was a kid though. I'd wake up thinking the house was on fire and screaming for my mom." Dean cleared his throat and turned to fill his own coffee cup. "Anyway, I was thinking of making omelettes. My kid brother was here for a couple weeks and I have all this extra food left over that I need to use up." Dean moved to the fridge as he spoke and opened the door, revealing enough food to easily feed a large family for at least a week.

Cas studied Dean's movements, it was obvious he had shared more than he had intended from the way his body tensed, and that he didn't want to continue with the prior subject, which Castiel was fine with, they didn't feel like talking about such things at the moment either. It did ease Castiel's thoughts a little though. Knowing that their new neighbor had even a slight understanding of what they're experiencing mentally, even if he doesn't know the reason behind it.

They took another sip of coffee, enjoying the way the hot liquid slid down their throat a moment before speaking. "Omelettes sound good. I'll eat anything, so long as there are no olives or beans."

Dean looked at Cas over his shoulder where he had hunched down to start picking ingredients out of the fridges lower shelves. "No beans? Really? Olives I get, but why beans?"

Cas shook their head before taking another slip of coffee. "I dislike the texture." They said with a shrug. "Can I be of any assistance?" While they were keeping a calm, composed demeanor, they still felt like their chest was in a vice and their breathing was forced. Every breath was a conscious effort and they needed more of a distraction than the conversation was providing at the moment.

Dean stood and placed a carton of eggs, an onion, broccoli, bag of shredded cheese, and a package of bacon on the counter as he spoke. "Sure. Grab the large frying pan out of the cabinet next to the stove. It's on the lower shelf. Get that going on medium-high heat for the bacon would ya? Oh, and grab the small frying pan for the vegetables?"

Castiel nodded and while they retrieved the pans from their hiding place Dean grabbed a cutting board and set about chopping up the onion and broccoli quickly. Cas made a guess at which drawer contained Dean's kitchen utensils and turned out to be correct. Same drawer they had chosen in their own kitchen. They pulled out two spatulas and set them aside while they watched Dean work.

"So, Cas, where are you from?" Dean asked as he grabbed the package of bacon and proceeded to cut the whole thing in half, much to Castiel's confusion.

"Pontiac, Illinois." They said as they watched Dean being to place the half strips of bacon in the now heated frying pan.

Dean nodded as he continued to lay down strips so they covered the entire pan. "What brings you to Kansas?"

Cas let out a sigh at the question "I wanted a new life. A friend moved here a year ago to take over one of the local art galleries, he always made Kansas sound nice. I figured it was as good a place as any to start over. Also having him here helped my decision." They took a sip of coffee and leaned back against the counter beside the stove, watching Dean's hands as he worked.

Dean looked up from where he had been focusing on the stove, green eyes scanning Castiel's face like he was trying to find something. "I take it this friend is the blonde guy I saw helping you move in last week?"

Cas looked up, locking their ocean blue eyes with Dean's, the deep forest green shining in the light provided by the bulb directly above the stove. "Yes, his name is Balthazar."  
Dean's eyes darted down for a moment as he licked his lips before flicking back up to Cas' again, a moment later he looking back to the pan as he flipped the first strips of bacon.

"So, just friends?" Dean asked, voice questioning as his focus stay on what he was doing.

Cas blinked at the question, a little confused by it. "Yes... Why do you ask?'

Dean huffed a laugh and rubbed at the back of his neck with the hand not currently poking at bacon with a spatula. "Just curious. You guys seemed close." He said with a shrug before turning to retrieve some plates from a cupboard to his left.

"We are close. We met in college at an LGBTQ club meeting." Cas smiled at the memory before taking a slip of coffee. "He spent a month hitting on me before I worked up the nerve to tell him I was genderfluid and didn't quite fit his type."

As Cas recanted how they and Balthazar met Dean continued to prep their breakfasts. Pouring some of the bacon grease into the smaller pan and setting the heat before throwing in the vegetables to begin cooking. "Genderfluid? Don't take this the wrong way, but what does that mean?" He asked as he continued to focus on the task of cooking more bacon in one pan, while cooking down onions in another.

"It means my gender identity shifts around the spectrum. At times I may feel and identify as male, female, agender or somewhere in between." Cas pulled their phone from their pocket and clicked the screen to life before flicking through a file of saved pictures as they speak. They pulled up one of a cartoon person wearing different outfits that said 'a girl, a boy, neither, or both' above their heads. They held the phone up so Dean could look when he had a moment.

When Dean turned to face Castiel he took the phone in hand and studied the picture carefully a moment before smiling and handing it back. "Alright." He said slowly with a nod, trying to wrap his brain around the information. "So I'm guessing that's why you were dressed as a woman when we first met the other day? And then as a man later on?" Dean asked, turning his attention back to the task of making breakfast.

Cas nodded as they clicked off their phone off and slid it back into the pocket of their pajama bottoms. "Yes. Normally I wouldn't bother to change after getting dressed for the day, but I felt a bit uncomfortable."

Dean blinked and turned to face Cas again, eyes wide in realization. "I didn’t make you uncomfortable did I? You seemed to be in a pretty good mood when I ran into you that first time. The second time you looked like you couldn't get away from me fast enough."

Cas took a sip of coffee and looked away, not sure how to respond. "You didn't do anything. My anxiety can be unpredictable. That encounter was just bad timing. I do apologize for any confusion I caused."

Dean nudged Cas' arm with his elbow, causing them to look up at the slightly taller man. "It's cool, don't worry about it."

Cas watched Dean as he focused on making the first of their omelettes, his movements quick and well practiced. "Do you have much experience cooking?"

Dean nodded as he continued to work. "Had a job as a line cook at a diner in college. Pay sucked, but I got free food and made enough money to keep up with the bills until I could get a job at a garage that worked with my schedule."

Cas nodded before grabbing the coffee pot and topping off their cup, then Deans. "So is that what you do for a living? Work on cars?"

Dean turned out the first omelette onto a plate before answering. "Yup. I'm a mechanic at my dads garage in town. What about you? What do you do for a living?" He asked as he started making the second omelette.

"At the moment, nothing. I was an accountant. I'm not sure what I want to be now." They said honestly.

Dean turned to Cas with a smile, handing them a plate and a fork as he did so. "Dude, you've got guts. I'd be scared shitless if I just up and moved to a new place with no idea what I was going to do next." Once Cas had taken their plate Dean grabbed his own along with his coffee and led the way into the living room where he took a seat on a rather large, worn looking grey sofa.

Cas followed suit, taking a seat beside Dean and setting their plate and cup on the coffee table in front of them. "I would say it's more determination than guts. I want a new life. I can't very well work the same job as before and call it that, now can I."

Dean nodded, taking a bite of his breakfast as he thought about what Cas said. "Yeah, I guess that makes sense."

They ate in relative silence for a few minutes, Cas occasionally catching Dean staring at them.

"Ask me." Cas said simply before taking a sip of coffee.

Dean jumped slightly and blinked at them, feigning innocence as he spoke. "Ask you what?"

"Whatever it is that has you pretending not to stare at me. You'll find I'm fairly hard to offend. So ask me whatever it is you are wondering."

Dean nodded, setting his plate down on the coffee table before speaking. "So, you said your gender shifts, right?" He asked. When Cas nodded he continued "What are you right now?"

Cas hummed as they thought for a moment, taking a bite of bacon and swallowing it down before they answered. "At the moment? I'm not certain. I don't usually feel like I'm any gender until I've been awake for a while. And even then I don't always know what I am unless something happens to make it blatantly obvious."

"That sounds confusing." Dean commented, looking Cas over again.

"It used to be. I've become use to it though." They said with a shrug before taking another bite of food.

Dean nodded "So, have you always been like this?" He asked, picking his plate back up and resuming eating his meal.

"You mean have I always been genderfluid? Yes. I didn't have the knowledge or understand to recognize it growing up, but I've always been this way."

"How did you realize that's what you are?" Dean asked between bites of bacon.

"A classmate did their senior thesis on gender roles and identities. One of the identities they spoke about was genderfluid. As they described it something in my mind clicked and I remember thinking 'That’s me!'. It was like gaining a new level of self awareness." Cas explained, pausing now and then to eat the last bites of their breakfast before it got cold.

Dean remained silent as Cas explained. Finishing his breakfast as the other person spoke. Cas continued to speak as Dean sat his plate back down and turned on the sofa to face Cas, who was now speaking with a energy he hadn’t seen since they first said hello in the hallway the day before.

"After that I started doing research on genderfluidity, which was actually quite difficult as there wasn't much information available at the time. Then I started to experiment with how I presented myself. It was nerve wracking at first, but oddly liberating. My friend Meg was a great help there." Cas paused to take a drink of their nearly finished coffee and set down their empty plate alongside Deans.

"Meg has been my best friend since kindergarten. She was the first girl I kissed. The first person I told I was attracted to boys as well as girls. She was my first everything in all honesty" Cas let out a laugh at that admission. "It was easy to tell her I had realized I was genderfluid." Cas looked up then, blue eyes catching Dean's green ones. The eye contact made the last tight bands of anxiety around their chest loosen.

Dean was smiling, the kind of smile that made his eyes crinkle as he listened to Castiel speak. It made Cas feel oddly warm inside to be on the receiving end of such a smile.

"I would spend weekends at her house. My parents were convinced I was gay after my taking another boy to homecoming junior year; despite my attempts to explain I was attracted to both. So they figured it was safe for me to spend the night with her. Anyway, she helped me figure out ways to style my hair and dress to look more feminine on days I identify as female." Castiel started to feel their own features curving into a small smile as they spoke, eyes still locked with Deans while he smiled away.

"Granted, it's gotten a lot harder to look feminine since then. I was much slimmer as a teenager. Also my hair was lighter." They added the last tidbit for no real reason in particular, bringing a hand up and running it through their dark brown hair. "I was shorter too. Freshman year of college I went from 5'9 to 6ft tall." They said with a sigh, finally breaking eye contact with Dean in favor of drinking the last of their coffee.

Dean looked Cas over, trying to imagine them as short and slim. It was a hard image to conjure when the person before him was all of an inch shorter than he was. And thicker in build. Dean was in good shape, years of manual labor had given him a decent body. But Cas was just built differently and it showed.

Cas noticed Dean eyeing them again. "I take it you're finding it hard to believe I was ever a small person." They half teased, leaning back against the couches armrest as they spoke.

"Honestly, yeah. But who am I to judge. My kid brother was all of 5'4 in high school and he's shot up a full foot since then." Dean said with a chuckle.  
Cas' eyes went wide as they mentally did the math on that. "Your brother is taller than you are?" They asked incredulously.

Dean nodded "Yeah. Drives me nuts. Especially when people assume I'm younger because of the height difference." He said with a sigh then pointed to a picture on the wall across from them. "That photo's from Sam's graduation. He's pre-law at Stanford this year. Got a full ride." Dean beamed proudly, eye doing that little crinkle as he smiled again.

Castiel's eyes followed the path of Deans finger to a photo of three men. Dean, a much taller brunette with hazel eyes in a graduation robe, and an older man with graying brown hair and brown eyes who stood roughly right between them height wise; Cas assumed he was their father. They were standing with Sam in between them, all smiling proudly as Sam held up his diploma.

"Wow." Was all Cas could think to say.

Dean barked a laugh. "Yeah, that’s the usual response. You should see him in person, kids a moose." Cas chuckled at that.

The two of them continued to talk about family, friends and a wide array of other topics. Neither of them growing tired of the others company as the time passed. Before either of them knew it it was noon. Dean made lunch, Cas rummaged through his record collection, and the two parted ways around 3:30 that afternoon. Not that either of them had wanted to, but Cas needed to feed Chester and go hand in applications while Dean needed to swing by the garage and check if the parts he had ordered for a car were dropped off the night before or not.


	5. Punk Rock Music and Running From Problems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks, welcome back. Always nice to see the little hit meter tick up with your views. Feel free to comment and tell me what you think, I love feedback.  
> Sorry the chapters are going to take a little longer to come. I'm in a mad dash to get ready for NJCon next month. I'm also meeting my girlfriend in person for the first time that week. So life is kind of crazy. But I haven't forgotten about you or this story.
> 
> Warning: PTSD flashback ahead - not as bad as the nightmare from before though!

Charlie had called Sunday evening to let Cas know that if they wanted the job it was theirs, they just had to come meet the manager for an interview the next day. As it turned out the interview wasn't so much of an interview as the manager, Garth, wanting to chat Castiel up about Bee's, and ask if they knew how to bake on the off chance one of the older women in the back got sick. (Charlie was useless in the department, apparently)  

The meeting went extremely well, much to Castiel's surprise. She was female at the time, so she showed up to the interview dressed in well fitting black jeans and a light yellow blouse with little zigazg patterns stitched into it from top to bottom. Garth didn't bat an eyelash at her state of dress. He smiled warmly, introduced himself, asked Castiel's pronouns before diving right in on the topic he wanted to discuss with her.   

Charlie had watched from the counter, a smile on her face the whole time that briefly made Cas wonder if she had somehow been aware of Castiel's gender identity beforehand. Though she quickly shrugged it off at the realization that the redhead had probably facebook stalked her or something along those lines. 

Tuesday morning Cas found themself awake much earlier than they had intended. They sat cross legged in the living room, a  cup of coffee in one hand, while the other stroked a loudly purring Chester. 

Chester was currently curled in Castiel's lap. The rumble of his purr sending calming vibrations throughout their body. 

By the time Cas felt the anxiety start to melt away from their chest it was time for them to clean up and get ready for work. They showered quickly before wandering into their room and staring at themself in the mirror.  

They took their time, eyeing themself up and down. One of the tricks they had learned to help figure out what they were. Their reaction to their reflection was generally a clear answer. If they felt like a man, they simply looked at themself and had no real remarks or unpleasant thoughts come to mind about their body. 

But if they were a woman, well that was another story. The sight of their bare chest made them uneasy. Like something was missing. If they saw themself below the waist it was generally worse, making them simply feel wrong. Like their skin didn't fit right. They always kept a towel around their waist to do a mirror check because of that. 

Castiel let out a sigh as their eyes drifted down their reflection. No unpleasant thoughts. Their skin felt like it fit right. So they came to the conclusion they were a man at the moment. 

Cas smiled, until his eyes landed on the scar that ran parallel to his ribs on his right side. It was roughly 4 inches in length, pale-pink against his otherwise tan skin. He hated seeing it, but whenever his eyes landed on it he couldn't look away. Memories of laying in the hospital filled his mind. 

He was back in the hospital bed, one eye swollen shut, bruises on his wrists, throat, face, chest and sides. A large bandage wrapped around to hold his aching, broken ribs in place. Another just below them covering a surgical incision with a tube coming out of it. Machines beeping all around him as he struggled to understand what happened. 

Something brushed against Cas' leg and snapped him out of the memory. When he looked down he found Chester rubbing his body against him. He let out a shaky breath he wasn't aware he had been holding and leaned down to pet the feline. "Thank you, Chester." He said before scooping the cat up into his arms and holding him to his chest. 

Chester purred loudly at the attention and rubbed his face along Castiel's jaw.  

Cas sat down on the edge of his bed and continued to hold Chester to him as he took slow, steady breaths. After a moment he started counting things in the room, scratching Chester behind the ears to keep him purring as he did so. "Books.. One, two, three.. Lights.. One, two..  Windows.. One, two.." He continued on until there was nothing left in easy view to count.  

After that Cas sat Chester down and set about getting dressed for work. His heart was still hammering in his chest, breath still forced and something he had to focus on. So he did everything slowly, concentrated on every movement and every sensation from the feel of his clothes slipping on, to the sound his keys made as he put them in his pocket. 

He zoned out on the walk to his car, not really paying any mind to his surroundings. Once behind the wheel he turned on the radio and flicked through the stations until he landed on something loud with a strong beat that caught his attention. It seemed to snap his mind out of the haze that had fallen with the flashbacks. 

The song ended as he was pulling out of the lot, he almost changed the station but the next song was just as strong sounding so he left it, turning the volume up a little before pulling onto the main road. " _Once upon a time I could take anything, anything!_ " came a slightly rough sounding tenor's voice. Cas turned up the radio again. 

" _Always stepped in time, regardless of the beat I moved my feet. I carried weight._ _W_ _hat I could not do I faked. And I dug seeking treasure, just to wake up in an early grave._ " 

Cas found himself hanging on every word of the song. Anxiety easing from his chest as he followed the artists little story. He wondered what they were thinking of when they wrote the song. 

" _This isn't giving up, no this is letting go. Out with the old dreams I've borrowed. The path I carve from here on out will be my own. The path will be my own_ _!"_  

He almost missed the turn out of town that would take him to work. He cursed and managed to catch it though. 

" _This is the part where the needle skips, and the chorus plays like a sink that drips. A syllable repeating, like a warning we aren't heeding. Until all the sudden we notice it. When the wheels brace and the tires grip. I map we've been misreading. A defeat we're not conceding. Until now!_ _There must be some other way out!_ " 

Cas felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Glancing at the clock on the dashboard of the car he saw he still had 10 minutes until his shift. Must be Balthazar texting to wish him luck. 

" _Go on alone, because I won't follow! But this isn't giving up, no this is letting go! Out with the old dreams I've borrowed. The path I carve from here on out will be my own. A path to take me home!_ " 

Cas found himself relaxing the longer he listened. Even smiling at the lyrics. Had he know them he would have even sang along.  

" _Go on alone, cause I won't follow. This isn't giving up, no this is letting go. I made the most of all this sorrow. I tried to brave this discontent, but now I'm through. I'm letting go of you!_ " The song ended with the first line being repeated and Cas found himself wanting to hear the song again. He made a mental note to find it when he got home that evening. 

As the song wound to an end the radio announcer loudly cut in. "That was Tim McIllrath of Rise Against with 'This Is Letting Go'. Next on double dose Tuesday we've got another song off their album Endgame. This is 'Make It Stop (September's Child)' here on KTHR!"  

Cas listened to the new song, finding he liked it. Not as much as the last song, but enough that he would consider buying the album.  

By the time he reached the orchard and parked around back he felt alright. Well enough that faking being 100% alright wouldn't be an issue.  

Training and meeting the rest of his coworkers had gone well enough. Though he wasn't sure how he felt about Aaron, one of the bakers and kitchen staff, staring at him the way he had. It wasn't a threatening stare, just one that made Cas feel a little nervous. Like he was being studied. He brushed it off though, seeing as the day before the man had probably seen him as a woman and was probably trying to wrap his head around it. 

The 4 hours flew by and at 2:10 Castiel found himself sitting behind the wheel of his Lincoln Continental wonder what he hell he should do with the rest of his day.  

After a moment he decided to head home, change his clothes, and go for a run. He hadn't gone for a run in days and the exercise would be a welcome distraction from the dark shadow currently trying to retake his mind. Work had been a welcome distraction, but it was just 4 hours out of the day. And today felt like an especially long one. 

A car accident blocking part of the only road back into town delayed Cas by about half an hour. He smiled when he slowly drove past the scene to see Dean in dark navy colored coveralls hooking a tow chain to the underside of a totaled golden Buick. 

Dean looked up from his work in time to spot Cas, giving a smile of his own and a small wave before the brunette drove out of view. 

It was nearly 3 when Cas finally made it home. His anxiety making it feel much later. He quickly changed into a comfortable pair of shorts, a t-shirt and his running shoes.  

Cas paused when he went to retrieve his ipod from the desk in his bedroom. It was still plugged into his laptop. After another moments hesitation he sat down and quickly clicked the power button, bringing the machine to life. 

Once booted he brought up itunes and found the band that had played on the radio on his way to work. Downloading the album that contained the two songs he had heard, as well as a few others out of curiosity. A few minute later they were loaded to his ipod and he was heading for the street. 

The second the first song began he was off, no destination in mind. It was warm out, but the air felt good as he ran. Cas was a little surprised that the first song to come on started off with an acoustic guitar. The song's he had heard before had more.. Energy.. Though this wasn't unpleasant sounding so far. 

" _Am I loud and clear, or am I breaking up? Am I still your charm, or am I just bad luck? Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?_ " The pace of the song picked up a little, other voiced joining in now and then. It was a nice song. Sweet.  

The next song to come on was another one with energy. The singer screaming at some points. It wasn't Castiel's preference. But the singer was obviously passionate and the lyrics were good.  

" _Don't hold me up now! I can stand my own ground! I don't need your help now! You wont let me down, down, down_ _!_ " Cas found himself running faster now. Heart racing with the drum beat and shouts of the voice in his ears. He was starting to sweat. Muscles burning a little at the lack of full use in the last few days. 

The rush of running was enough to clear Castiel's mind. By the time he finally made it home it was starting to get dark. The doors of the elevator were just starting to slip closed as Cas entered the lobby of the apartment building. He ran forward, getting a hand between them just in time. 

The doors slid open to reveal a startled Dean, still clad in his work coveralls, grease smudged on his left cheek. "Heya, Cas." He said with a smile before stepping to his right to make room from for the other man. 

"Hello, Dean." Cas replied somewhat breathlessly, stepping into the elevator and doing his best not to lean against the wall as he hunched over and caught his breath. 

"Someone chasin' you?" Dean asked, half teasing as he looked over the sweat soaked figure beside him, 

Cas shook his head, making the earbuds dangling from his neck sway back and forth. "No. I simply went for a longer run than usual." He explained, voice sounding winded as he spoke. He clicked a button on his watch and studied it a moment. "Apparently I ran 11 miles." 

"Apparently? Dude, how do you run that far and not realize it?" 

"I was listening to music and lost track of time." Cas said, straightening up and running a hand through his sweaty damp hair, making it stick out in all directions. 

Dean's eyes followed Cas' hand before flicking back to his face. "So, you run a lot?"  

Cas nodded, taking a few deep breaths before pulling his ipod from his pocket and fiddling with it. "I run most days, though the last week I haven't had much opportunity to." Without thinking he leaned back against he wall, immediately regretting it as he pulled away with a grimace and turned to examine the sweat splotch he left on the wall. 

Dean let out a chuckle as the elevator doors slid open. "Dude, you need a shower. No offence, but you stink." 

When Cas turned back to face Dean he was standing half out of the elevator, keeping the doors open for Cas, that smile that made his eyes crinkle plastered on his face. Cas found himself smiling back slightly, just a tick of the corner of his mouth. "Apologies. I usually take the stairs, especially after a run, but I don't think my legs would have appreciated that at the moment." Almost as to prove his point Cas took a step forward and his leg visibly wobbled. 

Dean threw out a hand, grabbed Cas' left shoulder to stead him. "Whoa, there!" his grip was strong, keeping Cas firmly on his feet. 

The instant Dean's hand landed on Cas' shoulder he felt an odd tingle run through him. It almost felt like static shock, though without the unpleasantness. He blinked, blue eyes locking with green as Dean pushed him back a bit to steady his balance. "Thank you." Cas said, getting his balance under control. 

Deans brows drew together in confusion for a moment, before he pulled his hand away and wiping the sweat from Castiel's shoulder off on his coveralls. "No problem. Hey, after we both get cleaned up you wanna come over for dinner? I still got a ton of food to use up." He gestured over his shoulder towards their respective apartments. 

Cas opened his mouth to answer, but was interrupted by the sound of his stomach growing. He hadn't eaten anything since the slice of pie his coworkers insisted he try on break that afternoon. 

Dean chuckled. "I'll take that as a yes." He said as he turned and started walking. 

Cas shook his head at the taller man and followed after, though at a slower pace. "Alright. I will be over shortly." 

Dean paused at his door, keys in hand as he went to open it. "Take your time, I need a shower myself." He said, gesturing to the smudge on his cheek before letting the door before him swing open. 

Cas nodded and a moment later Dean disappeared into own space. Cas unlocked his own door and gave it a kick to make sure Chester wasn't sleeping on the other side before opening it. 

Cas made a mental note that the feline in question was nowhere in sight, probably asleep on the back of the couch or on his bed. He walked into his bedroom, flicking on the lights to find the ladder assumption to be correct.  

Chester was in the middle of Castiel's pillow, purring away and ignoring the lights. The only indication he as actually awake was his ears flicking towards Cas momentarily as he entered the room. 

Cas took his time showering before getting dressed and heading to Deans. The two had burgers and hand cut fries for dinner before watching a movie. It was almost 11 when they parted ways for the evening. Cas went to bed that night feeling happy, relaxed and absolutely exhausted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone interested the songs I snagged lyrics from are all by Rise Against. The first one, I assume you can guess, is where I got the name and loose theme for this story. I actually was part way into writing the first chapter when the song came on and it struck me as being perfect for Cas in this. I hope you all enjoyed it!  
> Also the unnamed songs used are Swing Life Away and Prayer of the Refugee


	6. Movie Marathons and So Much More

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I sat down today intending to write like half a chapter. We see how that turned out lol  
> I only did a quick re-read so forgive typos. I'll go back and fix them tomorrow.  
> Hope you all enjoy this one ^_^

The rest of the week went by quickly. Before Cas knew it it was Saturday morning. They woke up to a knocking on their front door. Not a banging as they had last weekend, just a loud rap-tap-tap. They blinked a few times, taking in the fact that the sun was up as they sat up and began to push the blankets away. 

"JUST A MOMENT!" They hollered as they stood and pulled on a t-shirt before quickly jogging down the hall to the front door. 

Dean stood on the other side smiling away, hair mussed from sleep, wearing a pair of red plaid pj bottoms and an AC/DC shirt that looked soft and worn from long use. "Mornin', Cas." He said when he made eye contact with the brunette. 

Cas returned the smile with a small one of their own "Good morning, Dean." They said before yawning loudly, a hand coming up to cover their mouth as they did so. 

"Did I wake you?" Dean asked, smile fading slightly. 

Cas nodded "Yes, it's alright though. Would you like to come in?" They asked, taking a step aside and gesturing towards the living room. 

Dean nodded, smile returning "Sure." 

Once inside Cas walked Dean to the living room, pausing a moment when they saw Chester sitting in the kitchen across the way, looking expectantly at them. "Excuse me a moment, I need to feed Chester." 

Dean turned and followed Cas into the kitchen, eyeing the feline on the opposite side of the room warily. "So.. is he friendly?" He asked, gesturing towards the cat with a nod. 

Chester turned his head, observing Dean as the man froze in the doorway. He made no move to inspect the newcomer, simply stayed beside his food dish while Castiel grabbed a can of wet food and emptied its contents for him. 

Cas nodded, pausing a moment to pet the large tabby before standing and turning to face Dean. "Very. That's why I picked him. He was the only cat at the shelter to approach when I entered the room." They said, looking down at the aforementioned feline, who was happily eating his canned chicken. 

"Have you had him long?" Dean asked, still eyeing the cat as if it was going to suddenly turn and make a run at him. 

"I've had him almost a year now." Cas said as they turned away from Dean, facing the counter now. "Would you like some coffee?" They asked as they moved to prep the maker. 

"Sure." Dean stepped into the kitchen finally and moved to lean against the stove, putting Castiel to the right of him and Chester dead ahead. "So, do you have any plans today? I was supposed to cover a shift at the garage, but the guy called and told me I didn't need to after all. Figured I'd do a movie marathon, see if you'd like to join me?" 

Cas hummed a moment in thought. "I had planned on attempting to make a pie recipe my manager gave me. But I suppose that can wait until tomorrow." They conceeded before turning to face Dean. 

Dean blinked at Cas. "Dude, you got a job? Awesome! Where at?" His expression shifted from one of surprise to a smirk. 

"Rocky Ridge. I was hired part time as a cashier. Though Garth asked if I know how to bake, in the event that one of the kitchen workers called out sick. I explained I had never tried, so he gave me a recipe to attempt." Cas explained, leaning their hip against the counter beside them. 

Dean's expression was back to surprised, eyes wide and jaw dropping momentarily. "Garth gave you one of the pie recipes? Dude! I've been begging him, Jo and Aaron to let me get a look at those recipes for years!" 

"I'm not allowed to share the recipe. I signed a waiver." Cas stated, tone neutral as they turned to retrieve two mugs from the thin cupboard that housed them above the sink. When they turned back Dean was pouting slightly. 

"Oh, okay. Can I be your taste tester then?" He asked, green eyes pleading as he gave Cas his best pout. 

Castiel nodded "Of course. I had planned to ask you to be. Balthazar dislikes apple pie, and I remember you saying it was your favorite when we spoke last." They filled a cup with coffee and handed it to Dean as they continued to speak. "However I do need to bring some of the pie in for my coworkers to sample as well. So please don't go overboard if you like it." 

Dean accepted the cup Castiel offered and took a sip before speaking "Sweet. Love me some pie." He beamed. 

Cas shook their head before taking a sip of their own coffee. "So, what movies did you intend to marathon?" 

Dean hummed as he swallowed more coffee. "I was thinking The Librarian. Sammy got me watching them. Kind of an Indiana Jones style series. Only more magic and badass chicks." He said with a grin. "What do you say, wanna join me?" 

Cas looked around the room as they thought for a moment. "Alright."  

When Cas looked again Dean was grinning "Awesome. Hey you wanna grab breakfast? There's a diner a few streets over that has great food." 

Cas blinked, setting their coffee cup down. "Finally used up the excess food?" They asked, already turning to shut off the coffee maker. 

Dean laughed "Yeah, finally. But that's not why I wanna go out to eat. They make better french toast than me." He said with a grin. 

Cas turned back, finding themself smiling in return. "Alright. Let me get dressed first." They said, taking a look down at their faded gray t-shirt and white boxers. 

Dean looked down a moment before looking back to Cas' face and licking his lips. "Okay. Meet you in the hall in 5?" 

Cas nodded, taking Deans cup and setting it in the sink beside their own. 

They walked Dean to the door, waving a quick goodbye before heading for their room and staring blankly at their closet and dresser. What were they right now? They looked in the mirror and pulled their shirt off, making a point of keeping their gaze from going below their breastbone. 

After a moment of starting they realized they were feeling female. A smile creeping on their face. It always felt good to figure it out that quickly. And Dean had made it obvious they were cool with them dressing however they liked. 

Cas pulled out a blue long sleeved blouse and a pair of skinny jeans. Smiling away as she set about getting dressed and quickly fixing her hair to go meet Dean. Just to be safe she also grabbed a hoodie. The day felt warm enough already that her trench coat would be unnecessary, but she wanted the hoodie in case people started to stare or she shifted while they were out. It was sort of like an adult security blanket more than a piece of clothing. 

Dean was already waiting out in the hall, clad in jeans, the same t-shirt and a leather jacket when Cas stepped out. A grin on his face the instant he saw her. 

"Ready go to, Cas?" He asked. 

She nodded, stuffing her hands in the pockets of her hoodie as she walked towards Dean.  

They day went fairly well from there. Breakfast was great. Dean introduced Cas to the first two Librarian movies before lunch. Both agreeing Noah Wyle was hot, though not as hot as Harrison Ford (because the Librarian movie really are comparable to the Indiana Jones ones in a lot of ways). And while Cas went home to attempt to bake a pie, Dean stayed in his own apartment and threw together dinner in his crock-pot at the same time as making some sandwiches for lunch. 

The pie turned out alright. At least in Cas' opinion. It didn’t look as pretty as the ones they sold at the store, but Dean swore up and down it was perfect. He ate three sliced before Cas had to slap his hand away and remind him that he rest was for her coworkers. 

After lunch and the final Librarian movie Dean insisted they watch Indiana Jones next. Cas agreed, smiling and curling up on the couch beside Dean like they were old friends. It felt good. The two of them sitting so their legs pressed together and their shoulders would bump whenever one of them moved. 

Cas had fallen asleep somewhere into the third Indiana Jones movie. Dean noticed, but didn't bother to wake her. He dozed off himself not longer after, both flopped sideways on the oversized couch, Cas leaned against Dean and Dean leaned against the arm of the couch. 

Cas' dream had started off well enough. But the screaming and shouting from the movie bled through and suddenly they found themself back in their old office. Face down on the floor with their hands tied behind their back while the three men prepared to do their worst. Cas screamed, cried, asked why.  

Suddenly there were hands on them, but they were gentle, shaking them awake. A rough but concerned voice speaking softly. "Hey, hey, Cas, buddy? It's okay. You're having a nightmare. You're alright." Dean assured as Cas lurched up, nearly knocking him away in their panic. 

They looked around frantically, eyes wide and breath ragged as they tried to figure out where they were. A tight band of anxiety wrapping around their chest to the point where their breaths were little more than short gasps. 

"Whoa! Calm down. You're okay, Cas." Dean assured, taking hold of Cas' shoulders and forcing them to look him in the eye. "I've got you. You're safe. Just breathe." He said as calmly as possible. His own anxiety spiking as he tried to calm the other person down. 

Cas grabbed hold of Dean's arms, squeezing in an attempt to ground themself. "Dean?" They managed to croak out, throat feeling tight and raw from screams they didn't remember making. 

Dean nodded. "Yeah, Cas. It's me. You're okay, I've got you." He assured again. 

Cas nodded, still clinging to Dean for dear life as they tried to force down the fear and anxiety running rampant through their body. It wasn't working though. Their heart was beating too fast, lungs not cooperating. 

After a moment Dean stood, pulling Cas with him. "Hey, I'm gonna try something, okay. Just try to breathe."  

Cas nodded their agreement and before they knew it Dean had pulled free of their grip and was behind them. 

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas' chest and pulled them back down onto the couch. They landed with Cas on Dean's lap, their back against Dean's chest. One arm around Cas' waist, the other across their chest so Dean's hand sat over Cas' heart. 

Dean's breath was at Cas' ear as he spoke. "Alright, you're alright. I've got you. Now listen, Cas. You gotta calm down. You feel my heartbeat against your back? If you can't feel it hold onto my wrists, okay?" 

Cas nodded, throat too tight for them to speak. 

"Good. You feel my chest move as I breathe?"  

Another nod as Cas brought their hands up to take hold of Dean's wrists, finding his pulse with their finger tips. 

"Good. Try and breathe with me. I know it's hard, but just try. You got this." He assured before starting to take slow, deliberate breaths. 

Cas focused on the feel of Dean against them. The rise and fall of his chest and the accompanying pulse they felt in his wrists. They inhaled through their nose and out through their mouth slowly, matching Dean breath for breath after a while. 

"Good. You're doing good, Cas. Keep it up. I've got you. You're safe." Dean kept whispering these words to Cas over and over like a mantra as they finally started to calm down. Panic receding faster than it ever has before. 

After a while Cas let their head lull back against Dean's shoulder, still focusing on breathing and now the warmth of the man behind them. "Thank you.." They had meant it to be aloud, but it came out more as a whisper. 

Dean turned his head a little, letting his forehead rest against Cas' cheek. "S' no big deal. I'm glad you're doin' better." His voice was little more than a soft rumble in Cas' ear. 

Cas picked up their head then, turned their torso so as to face Dean without twisting out of his lap "It is a big deal. No one's ever.. "Cas trailed off, a slight blush creeping onto their cheeks. 

Dean raised a brow at them. "No one's ever what? Helped you through a panic attack?"  

Cas simply nodded. 

Now both of Dean's eyebrows were raised in surprise. "Seriously?" 

Cas nodded again. "Meg would tell me stories. Balthazar will talk me through them. No ones ever done anything like this for me before." They looked down at where Dean's arms were still around their waist, though now more loosely. 

Dean blinked a few times, following Cas' gaze down to their waist. "Is this, uh.. Is this okay?" He asked, licking his lips quickly before looking back up to meet Cas' eyes. 

Cas tilted his head a little and squinted at Dean, not sure if he was referring to them talking about how Cas handles panic attacks, or their close physical contact. "It is. Why wouldn't it be?" 

Now it was Dean's turn to feel his cheeks go warm "Uh, well I pulled you onto my lap and wrapped around you like a damn octopus. Not something you usually do with someone you've only know a week." He said with a low chuckle. 

Cas blinked at him. "I'm sure most people don't deal with their new friends having panic attacks in the middle of the night either." They countered. 

Dean chuckled again. "Yeah, that's probably true." 

After a moment Cas cleared their throat. "I should.. Probably go home.."  

Dean blinked "You sure... you, uh.. "He licked his lips, gaze darting from Cas' eyes to their lips and back. "You don't have to. I mean, I don't know about you but I'm pretty comfortable right now. And I know whenever I have nightmares it's an all night thing. You could stay... I can wake you up again if you have another one and-" Dean was rambling now, face going more red as he went on and a hand coming up to rub at the back of his neck nervously. 

Cas huffed out a laugh. "Alright." 

Dean paused, blinking at Cas. "You sure? I mean, you don't have to. I just-" 

Cas cut him off with a finger against his lips. "Dean, I'm sure. It would be nice to not be alone after that. I didn't want to stay and possibly make you uncomfortable. That's why I offered to leave." They said honestly, a small smile creeping onto their features. "Besides, it's been a while since I've had an offer like that from someone I trusted." They said with a shrug. 

Dean smiled at Cas, the kind of smile that made his eyes crinkle. "You trust me?" 

Cas nodded "I do." 

Dean let his arms wrap back around Cas' waist. "That mean I can kiss you, or am I overreaching here?" He said with a chuckle. 

Cas huffed a laugh and before Dean could say anything else they pressed their lips to his. Cas felt Dean draw a sharp breath in through his nose at the contact of the other persons lips. They almost pulled away, thinking  Dean must have been joking and they had crossed a line, when suddenly Dean leaned in, kissing them back. Soft lips moving against their own slightly chapped ones. 

The kiss was short and sweet. Cas pulled away enough to looks in Deans eyes as he slowly let them open. They could tell from the way his eyes crinkled at the corners again that he was smiling. 

"Come on, lets go to bed." Cas said before giving Dean another quick peck on the lips and turning to stand. 

Dean followed suit once Cas had taken a step away. He reached out, grabbed hold of one of Cas' hands and threaded their fingers together before leading them to his room. 

Deans room was mirror opposite to Castiels. Closet and windows in the same places. Though Instead of the bed being turned so it was in the corner, Dean's had the headboard to the back wall so it was facing the door. Room on either side for a person to get up and walk around easily. There were some clothes strewn about the floor. But other than that the room was nice. 

Dean flicked on the light and kicked the few discarded clothes on the floor so they slid under the bed. "Sorry 'bout the mess." He said with a chuckle before going to his dresser and pulling out 2 pairs of flannel pajama pants. He turned and held out a pair to Cas. 

Cas took them and watched with amusement as Dean proceeded to drop trou and slip into the soft fabric.  

When he looked up he smirked. "Want me to leave you alone to change?" 

Cas blinked. "Um. Yes, please.. Could I also borrow a shirt?" They asked, setting the blue flannel down on Deans bed. 

Dean nodded and turned around, pulling a soft green t-shirt from another drawer and handing it to Cas before moving over to the door. "Let me know when you're done." He said before disappearing out of the room, closing the door behind him. 

Cas sighed once the door was closed and quickly stripped off the pair of skinny jeans and blouse they'd been wearing. They honestly had no problem with Dean seeing their legs. Though at the moment they were wearing panties, not boxers. And they didn't really feel like they needed to share that aspect of themself with Dean yet. 

Once changed Cas opened the door to find Dean leaned against the wall in the hallway humming to himself. 

Dean smiled at Cas as he pushed away from the wall. He let out a little laugh at the sight of Cas in his clothing. Cas was about an inch shorter than him, but he was broader in build, so the shoulders of the t-shirt were a little tight, he could only assume the same was true for the pajamas. 

The two walked back into his room and he turned off the light once Cas was settled under the covers of his bed. He joined a moment later and scooted in behind Cas, wrapping an arm around the others waist and pulling them back against his chest. 

Cas let out a sigh of contentment and pushed back against Dean, immediately relaxing against his chest. "Thank you again, Dean." They mumbled. A hand moved to loosely hold onto the one around their waist. 

Dean smiled and pulled Cas closer, letting his fingers lace together with Cas'. "You're welcome, Cas. Now get some sleep."  

It didn’t take long for the two of them to drift off. Neither one having an unpleasant dream for the rest of the night. 


	7. Interlude 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the long wait folks! The end of October is a terrible time of year for me and some things happened to make it worse. Then I had NJCon to attend and my girlfriend is visiting. I'm going to throw this little interlude in from the Wednesday before chapter 6 and I'll have chapter 7 up in a few days.  
> Also, sorry this is so short!

Dean was sitting on his bed, phone to his ear as Sam talked away about how his week had been so far. He could just make out the sound of music coming from the other side of his bedroom wall. He'd heard music come from Castiel's apartment before, but it was usually quieter. Whatever his new friend was listening to seemed louder, with a faster beat. 

"Dean, are you even listening to me?" Sam asked from the other end of the phone, tone indicating he had to be giving one hell of a bitchface right now. 

"Sorry, Sammy. New neighbor has music playing and I was trying to figure out what they're listening to." Dean grumbled back, bringing a hand up to his forehead before running it down his face, rubbing at his eyes momentarily as he did so. 

"Oooh, so you're ignoring me to listen in on your hot neighbor?" Sam teased. 

"Shut up, Sammy. I wasn't trying to ignore you." 

"Sure. This guy must be something special if you're zoning out during our weekly call. You ask him out yet?" 

"You ask Jess you marry you yet?" Dean shot back. 

"Dude, I told you I'm waiting to hear if I got that internship. Don't compare me asking my girlfriend to marry me to you asking out the cute guy next door." 

"Yeah, yeah, yeah... Cas is special, that’s why I haven't done what I always do and just rushed into asking them out. I don't wanna scew things up if I do ask them, ya'know?" 

"What's with all the gender neutral pronouns? Are they agender or something?" 

"Genderfluid. Man, I didn't even know that was a thing until we talked last week. It's kind of cool actually. Like after they explained it to me I started noticing different mannerisms they have when they're identifying one way or another." 

"Yeah? That's kind of cool, I guess. So how long are you gonna wait before asking them out then?" 

"I don't know, Sammy. I'm in new territory here. I'm trying to get to know Cas before making a move."  

"Just remember if things go wrong you're stuck living next door to them until your lease runs out." 

"Gee, thanks for the sage advice, little brother."  

"Any time. Hey, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later, alright?" 

"Alright. G'night, bitch." 

"Night, jerk." 

Dean hung up the phone and tossed it onto his nightstand, letting his head lull back against the wall behind him. The music coming from the other side was still playing, every once in a while a voice joining in that he assumed was Castiels.  

After listening a while longer Dean turned off the lights and went to sleep, the sound of music still filtering in from the other side of the wall and filling his dreams with images of Cas.


	8. Pancakes and Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my loves! This chapter is short! Sorry! I wanted to get something posted and I wanted the next part of have its own full chapter and not be the last half of another one.

Cas woke up to the sound of a coffee pot burbling in the distance. They stretched, finding the space beside them empty, and frowned. They remembered going to bed in Dean's arms after a major nightmare induced panic attack and immediately missed the close contact with the taller man.  

Burrowing back into the heap of pillows and blankets Cas debated going back to sleep for a while. The urge to eat won out though, a growl making it ways from their stomach as they tried to force consciousness away. 

They sat up begrudgingly and looked around the dimly lit room. The door was open a crack, letting the sound of Dean puttering around the kitchen into the otherwise quiet space. The sound of coffee brewing was obvious, as was the smell. And a few metallic sounds led Castiel to believe Dean was moving around pots and pans. 

After another moment of listening Cas pushed themself up and out of bed, walking slowly out into the hallway and towards the kitchen. 

Dean was moving around the kitchen slowly, humming to himself as he pulled out the things he needed for pancakes. On the counter sat an electric griddle; set to pre-heat while he got to mixing up the batter.  

A floorboard creaked in the hall as he worked, alerting him to the fact that his guest was no longer asleep. He turned towards the doorway and smiles when he saw Cas leaning against the frame, arms crossed over their chest as they watched Dean work, a drowsy look on their face. 

"Mornin', Cas." He said before pointing towards the coffee maker with the whisk he was currently holding. "Coffee's done. You like pancakes, right?" 

Cas nodded before yawning and shambling forwards to grab themself one of the cups Dean had set out beside the coffee maker. "I like pancakes." They mumbled, voice deeper than usual from sleep. They filled the cup and turned to have a seat at the small table tucked into the corner of Dean's kitchen. 

Dean chuckled as he observed Cas. "Sorry if I woke you, I wanted to make us breakfast. You sleep alright?" He asked as he turned back to throw some bacon on the now hot griddle. 

Cas took a careful sip of the hot liquid in their hand before turning in their seat to watch Dean. "I slept well, thank you." They took another sip before looking around the room. "Do you need any help?" 

Dean looked back over his shoulder at Cas. "Nah, I'm good. Hey, do you need to go feed Chester? These are going to take a little while." He said, holding up the bowl of half mixed batter so Cas could see. 

Cas hummed in thought before taking another sip of coffee. "Yes. I shouldn't be long." They said before standing and placing their coffee on the table. They made their way back to Dean's room and collected their discarded clothes before heading the short distance to their own apartment. 

As Cas fiddled with their keys they heard the telltale sound of Chester running down the hall inside the apartment. A moment later a loud meow was heard then clawing at the door. Cas huffed a laugh. "Yes, Chester, I'm home. Hold on." They said before sliding the key into the door and giving the bottom a kick to caution the cat back and out of the way. 

Sure enough when the door opened Chester was against the opposite wall, ears low and a look of annoyance on his face. "Good morning to you too." Cas said as they closed the door behind them and headed to the kitchen.  

Chester followed behind them closely, sniffing the air as if he were trying to figure out who Cas was. Sure enough when Cas stopped walking the feline came up, sniffed at their leg then proceeded to rub against them. Covering Cas in his scent.  

Cas chuckled at the cat and crouched down to scratch him behind the ear for a moment before standing again and retrieving a can of wet food. "I take it you dislike my coming home smelling like Dean?" They asked.  

Chester ignored the question and dove into the bowl of canned tuna as if he hadn't eaten in days. 

Cas took a moment to pet the large tabby before heading to their bedroom and depositing their dirty clothes into the hamper. Their phone had died sometime in the night, so stopped to plug it in before sitting down and debating grabbing their own clothes to wear. Deans' clothes were comfortable, and they smelled of him. A sort of earthy smell that Cas couldn’t quite name that made them feel content. 

A buzz from their now revived and charging phone snapped Cas out of their train of thought. They turned and grabbed the device, clicking the screen to life and reading over the newly arrived text from Balthazar. 

'Morning, Cassie. Want to grab breakfast? If you don't answer in 10 minutes I'll be forced to come wake you up ;)' 

Cas sighed and shook their head before typing out a reply 'Good morning, Balthazar. I would love to, but I'm having breakfast with Dean this morning.' 

'Where? I'll casually run into the two of you so I can meet the handsome devil at last.' 

'He is making us breakfast at his apartment, I believe casually running into us would be impossible as that would be breaking and entering.' 

'Ha ha ha. Breakfast at his place? Again? Sounds like things are getting serious ;)' 

Cas rolled their eyes 'Yes, I believe they are. I kissed him last night. =P ' 

Not even 30 seconds after the text sent Cas' phone started to ring, an image of Balthazar grinning taking up the screen. Cas hit the answer button and held the device to their ear. 

"Tell me everything!" Balthazar practically yelled, clearly excited at the news. 

"You sound like a school girl." Cas deadpanned. 

Balthazar scoffed "You just told me you kissed a handsome young man, excuse me for being excited for you. Now get on with it, I imagine you don't have long to gossip if you're about to have breakfast together." 

Cas sighed again, a fond smile taking over their features. "Dean invited me to join him for a movie marathon. We spent the day together, I fell asleep somewhere in the middle of an Indiana Jones movie-" 

"Those movies are a tad dull at times." Balthazar commented, obviously joking from his tone. 

"Actually I found them entertaining, but I was tired. As I was saying, I had a nightmare. The nightmare, actually. Dean woke me up and helped me through the panic attack that always comes after." 

"Did he now?" Balthazar sounded genuinely surprised. "What did he do?" 

"He pulled me into his lap and had me breath with him while I focused on his heartbeat. It was surprisingly effective." Cas had to admit he was still surprised by how well that had worked. "After I had calmed down he made a comment about kissing me, so I kissed him." 

Balthazar whistled "My, my, Cassie. Look at you making the first move. Well done. Then what happened?" 

"He kissed back. I offered to leave after that and he invited me to stay." 

"I take it you did?" 

"I did." 

"And? Did he behave himself? Did we go beyond kissing?" Balthazar's tone was mischievous now. "Do tell? You know I live for a good sexy story." 

Cas flat out laughed. "Nothing else happened. He loaned me a set of clothes to sleep in and held me. It was all very nice and respectful." They felt a slight blush creeping onto their cheeks. "I should be going. He was about to make pancakes when I came home to feed Chester. I don't want them to go cold while he waits for me." 

"Alright, Cassie." Balthazar's tone was disappointed. "Are we still on for dinner after work tomorrow night? It's your turn to buy." 

"Yes, Balthazar. Goodbye." 

"Goodbye, Cassie. Don't do anything I wouldn't do." He singsonged. 

"There isn't anything you wouldn't do..." Cas mumbled as the line went dead. 

Cas didn't bother to knock as they walked back into Dean's apartment. The smell of fresh pancakes and bacon made them start to salivate as they closed the front door and headed for the kitchen where Dean was placing the first pancakes on a plate. 

"Perfect timing." He said, not bothering to look back at Cas as they entered the room. 

"I'm sorry I took longer than anticipated, Balthazar called." They said as they took their seat at the table again. 

Dean nodded, attention still clearly on the griddle. "S' fine. Everything alright?" 

"Everything is fine. He had invited me to breakfast and when I declined and explained why he decided to call and interrogate me. He was very interested in what happened last night" 

"That so?" Dean cleared his throat before looking at Cas over his shoulder. "What did you tell him?" 

Cas blinked then squinted at Dean slightly, studying his expression. "That I had a panic attack and you helped me through it, then I kissed you and we spent the night together." Cas summarized calmly. "He had wanted to join us for breakfast until I said we were eating here." They said, picking their coffee cup back up and staring at the now cold contents "Though now I suspect he will want me to invite you to dinner tomorrow night." 

A chuckle escaped Dean's throat that made his whole body shake just a bit. "I'd be cool with that." He said as he turned to place a large plate of pancakes and bacon on the table. There were already plates  and silverware set out. 

Cas raised a brow at Dean as the man sat down and started to pile food onto his own plate "Really?" 

Dean raised his eye from his plate to meet Cas' blue ones "Really. I'd like to meet him." He grinned "I'd also like to take you out to dinner tonight, if you'll allow me." 

A crooked smile worked its way onto Cas' features at Dean's request. "I would like that, very much." They said with a small nod. 

"Awesome." Dean replied, grin making his eyes crinkle as he went back to filling his plate. 

Breakfast went quickly. Cas returning home after to shower, dress and bring the remaining pie to the orchard for his boss and coworkers to try. They agreed it was good, though he needed to work on his crust making. The rest of the day was spent proudly puttering around doing nothing in particular until it was time to go out to dinner with Dean.  


	9. Last Minute Decisions and Old Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off I want to apologize. I never meant to leave this story sitting for so long. Several bad things happened in a row at the end of 2016 and I lost all will to write for a while there. I'm back now though and I've not only got a new chapter but I also went back and edited all previous chapters! Pretty sure I got all the typos and fixed some things I'd meant to word differently. So feel free to re-read the earlier chapters and let me know if I missed anything or if something didn't make any sense.  
> Now, as for this chapter, no date yet. This is what happened leading up to it though. I'm easing my way back into writing again so bear with me here my loves.

Dean paced back and forth throughout his apartment. He honestly had no idea where he wanted to take Cas tonight. The whole thing was making him feel like an anxious teenager, which he fucking hated. He let out a groan as he brought a hand up to run down his face. He needed to stop overthinking. Cas is pretty laid back. They'll probably be happy wherever the two of them go tonight. 

Checking his watch he noted that it was just after 1 now. He had heard Cas heading down the hall towards their apartment not long ago, humming some tune Dean didn't recognize as they went. He was almost tempted to text Cas and ask where they would like to go tonight, but since they were new they probably didn't know a lot about the area yet. 

Dean stopped his pacing and let himself fall back onto the couch, bringing their legs up to rest on one arm as they did so. "Get it together, Winchester." He grumbled to himself. "Their favorite food is burgers.. I'll take them to the roadhouse." Dean smiled at his decision. 

A moment later he pulled his phone from his pocket and brought up Cas' newly entered contact info. Cas had entered their information into Dean's phone before leaving that morning. Smartass put a bee emoji next to their name. Dean hated emojis, but the bee was cute. 

'Hey Cas, dress casual tonight and be ready to go by 6' 

A moment later Dean's phone buzzed in his hand as a reply popped onto the screen. 

'Alright, I'll be ready :)' 

Dean laughed and pocketed his phone again. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Cas smiled at his phone before setting it down on his nightstand. He was in the process of getting changed to go for a run when Dean had texted.  

He finished pulling on his shorts and an old t-shirt then walked out into the living room. Chester was curled up in the middle of the couch, purring loudly to himself. Cas picked up his running shoes and sat down beside the oversized tabby, making him grumble in annoyance at being disturbed. 

Cas chuckled and took a moment to pet Chester before setting to work on his shoes. Once that was taken care of he took one last look around the apartment, making sure he had his keys, ipod, and wallet. 

He felt good. The best he had felt in a while. He had a new job, a new life, one of his best friends nearby and a date to look forward to that night. Life was good. 

Cas popped his earbuds in and hit play on his ipod as he exited the building. He had gotten into a habit of listening to only his new music on runs. Something about the beat made him run faster, not intentionally, but he had noticed his time on his route had cut down by a few minutes.  

After last Tuesday Cas had taken the time to actually map out a route to run. It took him through a park that had a few small ponds, a neighborhood that had a lovely little bakery, and looped back around to his apartment. The whole route was about 3 miles. Not a very long run. But on a good day he could do it twice before he felt like stopping. 

As the first notes from duel guitars started in Cas' ear he took off running. The music giving him energy to burn.  

" _You can't feel the heat until you hold your hand over the flame._ _You have to cross the line just to remember where it lays._ _You won't know your worth now, son, until you take a hit._ _And you won't find the beat until you lose yourself in it!_ " 

The drum and other instruments kicked in, the beat driving Cas to move faster. 

" _That's why we won't back down, w_ _e won't run and hide!_ _Yeah, 'cause these are the things that we can't deny!_ _I'm passing over you like a satellite, s_ _o catch me if I fall!_ _That's why we stick to your game plans and party lines._ _But at night we're conspiring by candlelight._ _We are the orphans of the American dream,_ _s_ _o shine your light on me_ _!_ " 

For some reason this song made Cas want to sing. Music never makes him want to sing. Or rather it never has before. Meg had always teased him when he had to sing in school growing up. His voice was too high, then too damn low. Going from a tenor to a baritone in the course of a year kind of killed any desire he had to sing growing up. 

" _You can't fill your cup until you empty all it has._ _You can't understand what lays ahead, i_ _f you don't understand the past!_ _You'll never learn to fly now_ _'t_ _il you're standing at the cliff._ _And you can't truly love until you've given up on it!_ " 

Cas was already starting to sweat, beads forming across his body and being absorbed by his clothes where they touched. His heart was racing, muscles burning in that wonderful way that made him feel so alive. He couldn't imagine not being able to do this. To listen to music and run like his life depended on it. There was a time he had wondered if he could after what had happened to him a year ago. 

Cas pushed that thought aside. He was fine. He had healed. And he had everything to look forward to.  

" _She told me that she never could face the world again, s_ _o I offered up a plan!_ _We'll sneak out while they sleep, a_ _nd sail off in the night._ _We'll come clean, and start over the rest of our lives._ _When we're gone we'll stay gone._ _Out of sight, out of mind._ _It's not too late, w_ _e have the rest of our lives..._ _The rest of our lives!_ " 

Cas rounded a corner and smiled at the sight of the park in front of him. It was big, big enough that it would take a bit for him to run through.  The trees were just starting to change colors. He ran towards them, following a small sidewalk that wound its way through the entire park and came out the other side. 

" _No, we won't back down, w_ _e won't run and hide!_ _Yeah, 'cause these are the things that we can't deny (shine your light on me)!_ _I'm passing over you like a satellite,_ _'c_ _ause these are the things that we can't deny now!_ _This is a life that you can't deny us now!"_  

Cas came to an abrupt stop as he rounded the corner that took him through the neighborhood with the little bakery that always smelled amazing as he ran past. A little red Sunfire Pontiac (joke intended) convertible with a familiar Illinois license plate sat before him. Stepping out of the bakery, not even 10 feet away was Meg. She had bakery box in one hand as the other fiddled with a set of keys 

She turned towards him, obviously about to head for her car. A smirk breaking her otherwise neutral expression as she spotted Cas at the corner of the building. "Hey there, Clarence. Way to go and ruin the surprise." She said with a laugh before walking over and giving him a loose hug. 

Cas laughed and hugged her back, fully aware that he was covered in sweat and making a point not to hug her tightly even though he wanted to more than anything. "What are you doing here? I thought you couldn't afford to take any time off to visit for the next few months." He asked as he pulled away and looked her up and down. 

"I pulled a few strings." She said with a shrug. "Besides you know I can't stand being away from you, you're my unicorn. The one person I can tolerate being around and not want to gut after 20 minutes." 

"You got fired didn’t you." He accused, crossing his arms and squinting down at the short brunette. 

Meg rolled her eyes and turned to walk towards her car. "I requested a transfer. It’s surprising how many hospitals need a good admin nurse to work nights in the wacky ward." She turned and gave him a wink before unlocking her car and setting her box of unknow goodie inside. "I'm here to scope out an apartment and to visit with my favorite non-binary bestie." She added with a smirk. 

"I'm your only 'bestie'. You hate everyone else you know." Cas teased before leaning against Megs car. "So when were you going to 'surprise' me?" He asked, making little air quotes with his fingers as he spoke. 

Meg hummed and looked thoughtful for a moment before speaking. "I have an appointment to view an apartment in 20 minutes. I thought I would show up on your doorstep to celebrate the good news after the lease papers are signed." Meg managed to sound bored while explaining her plan. 

Cas smiled that crooked smile and shook his head. "I suppose you also were hoping to stay with me for the night to save money on a hotel?" He asked, knowing her well enough to know that was her game plan. 

"You know me so well, Clarence." She said with a grin. "Now if you'll remove your sweaty ass from my car, I need to head across town. I'll text you when I'm on my way over." She blew him a kiss before hopping behind the wheel and revving the engine to life. 

Cas shook his head again and smiled as he watched her pull away from the curb and drive off. He popped his earbuds back in and took off running for home without another moments hesitation. It was good to see Meg. And a bit of a shock that she is up and moving to Kansas because of him. Sure they and joked that she should come with him when he decided to move, but she loved her job and her patients. Even if she would physically harm anyone who suggested so. 

By the time Cas got home he had worked up a good sweat again and he felt amazing. The day was beautiful, his best friend was moving to town, he has a date tonight! Things were almost going too well. A little voice in the back of Cas' mind suggested such and he quickly brushed it off, nothing was going to ruin his mood today. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Cas was listening to at the start of his run was "Satellite" by Rise Against.
> 
> If anyone has any questions or comments about the story feel free to ask and comment away! I'd love to know what you all think.


	10. Interlude 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I know I'm being a tease by throwing in another interlude instead of posting date night at last, but this idea hit me when I was out with my friends last night (along with inspiration for date night its self) and I wanted to post this before working on anything else.

Dean pulled his laptop of from the drawer under his bed. Not long after he had decided to take Cas to the Road House for their date he started to overthink everything. Sure, he'd been out with his share of men and women, but he'd never dated anyone that was trans before and a little voice in the back of his had started nagging that he might do something wrong and screw things up.  

He sat back on the bad, laptop set on his legs as it booted and he tried to collect his thoughts. He'll just google 'dating a genderfluid person' and read what a few sites had to say on the subject just to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and fuck this all up. Easy enough, right? 

The first site to come up had 5 tips for dating a genderqueer person. Dean read through the short article and, while finding it informative, thought it focused a little too much on sex. That stuff is important but he just wanted to know what to do while they were out together.  

The second website was a woman sharing her story about her partner discovering they were genderfluid and how that affected their lives. It was interesting, and again informative, but not exactly what Dean was looking for. In this case the person wasn't out to many people where as Cas appears to be out to everyone and not caring what others think of their appearance. 

After an hour of reading multiple sites then watching countless youtube videos later Dean gave up. Everything boiled down to one thing it seemed; Communication. One thing he was generally terrible at. Sure, he was trying his hardest to work on that, but this whole is something he's never actually delt with before. 

Dean brought a hand up and rubbed it down his face with a groan before closing his laptop and turning to put it back in its drawer under the bed. He needed to distract himself before he made his brain short circuit from everything he just learned. After a moments thought he decided on blasting some Zeppelin and cleaning. That always helped him clear his head. 

Setting an alarm on his phone for 5:30 and making sure it was as loud as possible Dean put on a record and started to clean his apartment from top to bottom. He'd be damned if he was late because he lost track of time cleaning his apartment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So if you google "dating a genderfluid person" it comes up with some interesting things. I did actually google that and read through several pages then watch multiple videos on youtube to get a better sense of Deans side of things. 
> 
> As I said in the start notes I went out with some friends last night and a friends husband kept pointing out people and asking if I was interested (he wanted to find me a date) and I would say yes or no but he doesn't really get the whole genderfluid thing or how it affects my dating life. It's a very complicated subject and it's different for everyone so I wanted to do some research and use that for Deans side of the story. Anyway I hope you enjoyed and we'll see you in a few days with a new chapter.


	11. Best Friends, Cookies and Live Music

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so, so sorry that it took me so long to update. I don't know why I had so much trouble writing this damn chapter. I basically had it written in my head for months but every time I sat down to start writing I just could not focus!

The jog up the stairs was quick and in no time Cas was in his apartment and in the shower. His ipod on the little dock he kept next to the sink and blasting more music that he hummed along to as he washed up in preparation of tonight's date. Fuck, he didn't tell Meg about his date tonight. Oh well, she'll just have to wait patiently for his return.  

Glancing at the little clock on the ipod dock Cas noted it was almost 2pm now. He still had a little while before Meg would be here and several hours before his date.  

Cas wrapped a towel around himself before exiting the bathroom and padding the few feet to his bedroom. Chester was standing in the middle of the floor when he walked in, sniffing at Cas' discarded running clothes where they stuck out of the corner of his hamper. 

The feline turned to face Cas and let out a loud, low toned 'mroaw' before sniffing the clothing again and turning to walk out of the room. His tail flicking over to rub against Cas' shin on his way past. A sign that he was happy his human was home, even if he did make the bedroom stink again. 

Cas chuckled as he watched Chester. "You're right, I should do laundry." He said with another chuckle before proceeding to towel himself off and add said towel to the basket of dirty clothes. One of the reasons he had settled on this particular apartment was because it came with a washer and dryer in the hall between the bathroom and bedroom. The view was of course the main reason, but the washer and dryer didn't hurt. Neither did the utilities being included in the rent.  

Cas picked up the basket and stepped out of the room with it before setting it on top of the dryer while he opened the washer. He made quick work of throwing in everything that could be washed on a normal cycle together before adding soap and setting the machine to run while he returned to his bedroom. 

While the low sound of the washer filling suffused the air Cas thought about what he wanted to wear tonight. Humming to himself he opened the sliding door of the closet and looked inside. Dean had said to dress casually, so that did cut down the options. He had tossed most of his old work clothes before moving here, but fancier dress clothes still made up a great deal of both halves of his wardrobe. 

Right as he started to pull a shirt from the closet Cas heard the unmistakable sound of music starting in the adjacent apartment and being turned up to what was most likely full volume. He pause and listened for a moment, trying to make out what he was hearing filter through the wall before giving up and going back to pulling a comfortable short sleeve button up. It was light blue and made his eyes pop. 

Another moments consideration had Cas grabbing a pair of soft jeans that were a bit faded and a pair of orange panties, because even when he identifies as male he still likes the feel of the underwear. It's comfortable to wear. Like briefs only there's no leg to roll up on his muscular thighs.  

Cas dressed quickly before going into the living room to curl up with netflix and wait for Meg to inevitably text that she as either on her way or needing to be let in. 

A whole 20 minutes into an episode of Eureka Cas' phone chirped with a text from Meg exclaiming that she was on her way up and to come open the damn door. 

Sure enough as soon as Cas walked over and opened the door Meg was barreling in carrying the bakery box from before with a big grin on her face. "Papers are signed and I move in in two weeks." She said as she kicked off her shoes and turned to face Cas as he closed the door. 

"Congratulations." Cas said before wrapping the smaller brunette in a tight hug, really taking the time to crush her to him like he couldn't before. He allowed himself the moment to completely relax and bury his face in her hair, taking in the scent of her shampoo and think about how much he had missed her in the past few weeks. 

Meg immediately reciprocated the hug, letting Cas pull her tight against him and wrapping her arms around his back as she buried her face in his neck. She allowed the embrace to last for a good long moment before pulling away and smirking. "Alright, Clarence, show me around since I'm going to be here for at least as much as I'll be at my own place." 

Cas laughed and gestured towards the kitchen and waiting for Meg to step aside so he could lead the way. "The kitchen and living room are this way." He said as he led her to the kitchen where she deposited the box on the counter. "Coffee is here." He pointed to the cupboard that housed the bag of grounds as well as the mugs. "Everything else you'll figure out." He said before turning and leading the way to the living room. 

"You remember Chester, of course." He said, gesturing to the large tabby flopped in the center of the couch as they walked into the room. 

Meg hummged. "I remember him liking me more than you." He said as she walked over and gave the feline a scratch behind one ear that he quickly leaned into and began purring from. 

Cas huffed and rolled his eyes. "All animals like you more than me." He pointed out before gesturing for her to follow him. "Everything in here is pretty obvious. Remote is on the coffee table, it's a new smart tv so netflix is already set up on it. I put an ipod dock in every room like in my old apartment." 

Meg nodded along as she walked around behind Cas. 

He led her back out into the hall and towards the bedroom. As they passed the bathroom door he paused and flicked the light on so she could see where the switch was. "The water pressure is excellent and the hot can run for quite a while before running out." Another few steps and they were at the washer and dryer, then the bedroom. 

"And to conclude the tour we have the bedroom." Cas said, flicking the light on to reveal the bed, dresser, table and so on. It wasn't much, but it was clean and comfortable. 

Meg took a few steps into the room and looked around before turning on her heel to face him with a smirk. "Saving the bedroom for last, huh? Doing that for the hell of it or did you have something in mind for how to celebrate my new job and apartment?" He purred before stepping forward and warpping her arms around Cas' neck. 

Cas let out a small laugh as he wrapped his arms around Megs waist. "As much fun as that would be, I have a date later and I do believe it would be bad form to have sex with someone before a date with someone else." He leaned down and placed a quick peck on her lips. "I will however take you to lunch tomorrow if you would like." 

Meg sighed and rolled her eyes before letting her arms slip from Cas' neck. "Alright, I accept your offer. But if the date goes badly I expect you to ravage me, mister. I'm talking pizza and furniture moving here." She said half heartedly before stepping past him to walk out to the kitchen. 

"Of course." He chuckled as he walked after her. 

"So spill, what's the details on this date." She said as she began to ransack the cupboards to make a pot of coffee. The bakery box turned out to have fresh made ginger cookies (soft with real ginger, not snaps), Cas' favorite, and oatmeal chocolate chip, Meg's favorite. 

Cas took a seat at the table, not bothering to help as he knew Meg would just shove him into a seat anyway. "It's with Dean, the neighbor I texted you about." 

Meg perked up at that. "The one that freaked you out at first because he's blonde and way too nice?" Of course that's what she remembered out of all the texts. 

"Yes. That one. He really is a nice guy. We're going out to dinner... I also may have.. kissed him and spent the night with him the other night.. Stop giving me that look, Meg. We just slept. I had a panic attack and after helping me through it he let me stay over." 

Meg went from staring at Cas like he had grown a second head to looking at him with that mix of understanding and sadness that she only gave him. "We are going to sit down and you're going to fill me in on everything, because I feel like I'm missing a lot right now." She said as she clicked the coffee pot to brew and took a seat at the table. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A few hours, the entire box of cookies, and one pot of coffee later Cas and Meg were sitting on the couch talking still when a knock came at the front door. 

Cas and Meg both blinked and before Cas could stand Meg was up and running to the door. "Meg, wait!" He called after her, pushing off the couch as quickly as he could to follow. He as fast, but she was faster. 

"Hey, Cas, ready to.." Dean trailed off as the door swung open to reveal a brunette, but rather than the 6' one he as expecting he saw a 5'3" one with long curly hair and a mischievous smirk. 

Cas appeared behind her a moment later, looking mildly annoyed as he pushed the door open the rest of the way to step around his friend. "Hello, Dean." He said as he pushed Meg slightly. "I'm sorry, Meg surprised me and I lost track of time talking to her."  

Meg rolled her eyes and huffled as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Sure, Clarence, blame it all on me. Hi, I'm Meg." She said, holding her hand out to shake Deans. 

Dean took her hand and gave a quick shake before letting go and looking to Cas. "So do you need to reschedule where she's here?" He asked, trying to be polite and give Cas an out. 

Cas shook his head vigorously "No, no! Meg and I talked about it, she's fine to stay here." Cas said as he grabbed a jacket from beside the door. 

Meg nodded. "I'm a big girl, blondie. And Cas trust me not to jack his stuff while you two are out on your date." She threw a wink before turning and sauntering back to the living room. "Have fun, and don't do anything I wouldn't do!" She called over her shoulder before disappearing. 

Cas huffed as he slid his jacket on. "That's a very short list." He mumbled. 

Dean chucked. 

Meg yelled "I HEARD THAT!" 

Cas rolled his eyes and made sure his keys were in his pocket before stepping out into the hall and closing the door behind him. "You'll have to forgive Meg. She takes some getting used to." 

Dean chuckled again before placing a hand on Cas' back and leading him towards the elevator. "It's fine. So what's she doing here? Thought you said she worked in a hospital and was coming out in a few months to visit?" 

Cas hummed a moment before responding. "She put in for a transfer and came down today to sign on an apartment. She'll be moving into a place on the other side of town in two weeks." 

The two stepped onto the elevator and Dean nodded. "Cool. You must be excited to have another friend in the area." 

Cas thought about it and grinned at Dean. "I don't know. I've made a few friends since moving here. And I did miss her but there was something to be said about not having to worry about my fridge being devoid of food when I get home from work every day." He said with a chuckle. 

"Ah, one of those friends." Dean said with a nod before stepping off the now open elevator with Cas at his side. "Well I suppose if that happens you can always come knock on my door and ask me to make you dinner if that happens."  

Cas glanced at Dean as the two walked to his car, their hands brushing and their shoulders bumping along the way. "Oh? That confident that you'll still want me around after tonight." He teased, tone flat and expressing slightly squinty. 

Dean tried not to crack a smile while pulling his keys from his pocket. "Oh, ye of little faith. It would take an act of god for me not the want you around." He managed to keep his expression totally serious up until they walked around the car and Cas proceeded to stair Dean down, eyes squinting and head tilted slightly. Dean cracked, grinning at him widely before slipping behind the wheel of the Impala and taking off towards The Road House. 

The Road House was actually fairly dead when they arrived. A few people at the bar and two couples at random tables eating dinner. Dean led them to a booth in the corner where they were quickly interrogated by the owner, Ellen, who promptly back off and took their order once she realized it was a date and not friends having dinner. She did pause to slap Dean upside the head and tell him to not "screw this up" before heading back to put their orders in. 

Dean went beat red at Ellen's comment but said nothing, just took a sip of his beer and looked anywhere but at Cas for a few minutes. 

By the time they finished eating the bar had filled in, especially towards the back of the room where there was a small stage and band equipment setup. 

Cas turned in his seat to watch the people shuffling about. "Is there usually live music?" He asked, watching someone bring out a bundle of cords and begin hooking up instruments. 

"Only on weekends." Dean said before popping his last french fry in his mouth. "The one playing tonight is pretty good. A guy from my work's the bass player." He mumbled while chewing. 

A few minutes later the band was on stage and fiddling with the instruments before there was a whine from the speakers that made everyone groan. 

"Sorry about that, folks!" Said the lead singer and guitarist. "Thanks for comin' out tonight. We're Wrong Side of the Track, and tonight were gonna start off with a classic." He said before the band started to play Pearl Jam. 

Dean and Cas stayed at their booth at first, both having another beer each before Cas managed to drag Dean out onto the dance floor among the mass of bodies. 

At first the two of them just stood there enjoying the music, Cas nursing a third beer. By the end of said beer Cas was feeling tipsy and had started to dance beside Dean. It took another two songs for Dean to crack and start dancing with Cas to Born on the Bayou. 

Another two songs later and the dancing dissolved into that sort of dance/grinding and Cas realized he was that perfect mix of almost drunk that when combined with live music makes your skin vibrate. 

Dean was in front of Cas, their bodies pressed together from the torso down, Deans arms loosely around Cas' waist while Cas' were around his neck. Their foreheads were pressed together, mouths inches apart as they breathed each others air. 

Someone bumped into Cas' back, mumbling sorry, but it was lost over the sound of the band and the fact that said bump pushed Cas against Dean so that their mouths slotted together. Cas went to pull away, apologize, and found his lips being chased by Deans instead. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeeessss, I am a horrible person and ending it -RIGHT THERE-. I'll make up for it later, promise.


	12. Interlude 3

Meg listened as the two took off down the hall, voices just loud enough that she could tell the conversation was probably about her as they went. 

She took a seat on the couch before pulling out her phone and bringing up Balthazars number to write him a text. 

'Hey, I'm at Cas' place. He knows about the new job and move. I'll be here til Tuesday morning' 

A moment later her phone buzzed with a reply. 'Lovely. Has our little Cassie left on his date yet?' 

Meg rolled her eyes 'Of course, I fully intend to snoop around the apartment while he's out too, if that's what you're next questions going to be.' 

'Excilent. He hasn't been acting  like things are bad at the moment, but you know how stubborn he can be. Let me know if you find anything.' 

Meg tossed her phone on the coffee table before standing and taking a moment to stretch. This was something they did every few weeks back when Cas was still living in Pontiac. One of them, usually Meg, would drop by for some reason or another and while Cas wasn't around just do a little snooping to make sure things really were going alright. After what had happened it took months for Cas to get a decent nights sleep, and at first everyone was happy for it, until they realized that it was only because he was drinking himself to sleep. 

They confronted him on it, got him to go back to therapy because they love him and were worried the alcohol might make things worse. And it did help. Cas adopted Chester, started inviting Meg to stay over more, or even Balthazar, and they would end up sleeping in the same bed and when Cas would have a nightmare they would do what they could.  

Meg would tell him stories, usually with his head in her lap and her hands in his hair. Balthazar would talk him through what he dreamed about, remind him that he's safe and then tell him to go back to sleep and dream of something good like the time they drove out to Niagara Falls for spring break and almost fell in. 

Meg started with snooping around the living room for any signs of anything that would indicate Cas wasn't doing as well as he seemed. After finding nothing she moved on to the kitchen, then bathroom, and lastly the bedroom. 

Tucked under the bed was a wal-mart bag containing towels, a bottle of Johnny Walker, and a receipt showing said bottle was a few weeks old and untouched. Meg heaved a small sigh of relief at that before sliding the bag back where it had been and moving to take a seat at the desk in the corner. 

As usual Cas had left his laptop logged in so she was able to poke around it with ease. Nothing unusual to be found there aside from Cas' new taste in metal and melodic hardcore music. Meg made a mental note to ask where that had come from before closing the lid and returning to the living room. 

Meg picked up her phone along with the remote from the coffee table before flopping back on the couch and letting herself sprawl over it. 'Found a bottle from the week he moved in, it's unopened. And when did our little tree topper start listening to metal?' 

'Thank god for small favors. And I've no idea. I choose to blame Dean on this development until prove otherwise.' 

Meg chuckled before tossing her phone aside again and bringing up netflix. Somehow she didn't see blondie as being the metal type, but who knows. 


	13. Small Steps and Warm Bodies

Dean knew Cas was only kissing him because someone had slammed into his back, but at the moment he really didn't give a damn and he surged forward to bring their lips back together as Cas was pulling away. The room was hot, and loud, and Cas' lips just felt too damn good against his own for him to care about any of that at the moment. 

Cas' lips parted, probably to utter some apology and Dean took the initiative to deepen the kiss. Cas let out a muffled groan at the first swipe of Dean's tongue and instantly reciprocated, mouth opening wider and tongue coming to meet Deans. He tasted like Guinness, a hit of bbq from the burger he'd had for dinner, and underneath it all was something he couldn't name that was undoubtedly all Cas. 

One of Cas' hands tangled in Dean's hair and before Dean knew it Cas was holding his head steady as he pulled their lips apart. "Car. Now." Cas ordered, voice low and eyes half lidded as he stared into Deans. 

Dean nodded, letting out a small gasp as Cas pulled his hair at the movement. They disentangled and Dean grabbed Cas' hand to lead him from the bar, their fingers laced together and holding tight as they made their exit. 

The instant they were out the door Cas spun Dean around and brought their lips together again. Somehow managing to push Dean back towards the car, while keeping him from falling and almost knocked the wind out of him with the way he sucked and nibbled at Deans lower lip before slipping his tongue past to tease at Dean's own. 

Dean had just enough time to pull his keys from his pocket before finding his back against the passengers side of the Impala. He broke the kiss just long enough to focus on unlocked the door and get it open before pulling Cas flush against him and bringing their lips back together. 

One of them made a needy noise as Cas rolled his hips against Deans, who actually made the sound was anyone's guess at this point. They stayed like that for a long moment, hands roaming, mouths exploring and hips grinding in a desperate attempt to get some friction on both their aching cocks.  

Dean was the one to finally break away, gasping for air while Cas panted against his jaw before moving to nibble a line to his ear. 

"Cas.. Car.." Dean groaned, a hand slipping to Cas' hip to pull their groins together in another delicious roll that had both of them aching for more. "We're kinda in the open here.." 

With a whine Cas pulled away and pushed Dean down into the open door of the Impala before crawling in over him. 

Dean scooted back to make room and Cas pulled the door shut behind him. 

A moment later they were somewhat awkwardly sprawled so that Dean was on his back, one leg bent so his foot was on the floor while the other was hiked up so his foot rested on the door they had just come through.  

Cas was knelt between his legs, hands on either side of his head to hold himself up while he raked his eyes over Dean. "God, you're attractive.." Cas mumbled more to himself than anyone. 

Dean chuckled "You're one to talk." He shot back before wrapping an arm around Cas' neck and pulling him down so the brunette collapsed on top of him with a small 'omph'. Before Cas could say anything else Dean's lips found his again and his free hand was on Cas' hip, pulling him down as Dean rolled his own hips up in search of that wonderful friction again. 

Cas gasped into the kiss as he found his leverage and began to grind right back against Dean once more. Deans cock was a thick, hot line along side his own through the combined layers of denim and every press and drag felt so good.  

It'd been so long since Cas had let himself go like this with someone, sure he had slept with Meg every once in a while over the last year, but this was different. Meg was safe, she was his best friend, and she knew everything about him. Dean was new. He only knew what Cas had let him so far, and that both excited and terrified him at the same time. 

The hand Dean had on Cas' hip started to slip upward, fingers ghosting under the edge of Cas' button up before sliding around to the small of his back. He pulled Cas as close as possible, groaning into his mouth as their bodies continued to move together.  

They were both sweating, movements starting to grow erratic and the deep kisses became brushes of lips and tongue as they gasped and panted against each others mouths. They were both close, achingly hard in their jeans and heat boiling low under their skin as they desperately worked each other over. 

Cas came first, hips grinding down against Dean's almost painfully as he groaned out Dean's name. Dean joined him a moment later, hips bucking up against Cas' with each wave of pure pleasure. They both slumped down after that. Dean wrapping his arms loosely around Cas' back while Cas let his head drop so his chin was on Dean's shoulder. 

Neither one spoke as they tried to catch their breath. A comfortable silence settling in as they laid there. 

After what felt like ages Cas pushed himself up and gave Dean a crooked smile. "We should probably head back." He suggested, leaning down just enough to give Dean a quick peck on the lips before pushing himself to kneel between Deans legs. 

Dean huffed a laugh. "Yeah." He managed, voice rougher than he was expecting, before pushing himself up and back so he was sitting in the driver seat. 

Dean grimaced as he shifted, his boxers were starting to stick in uncomfortable places and a bit of movement from the corner of his eye led him to believe Cas was having similar luck with his own clothes. 

After getting himself situated Dean slid the key in the engine and they took off down the road. Another comfortable silence settled in and Dean let one hand slip form the wheel to find Cas' in the middle of the seat. He laced their fingers together and gave a squeezed that Cas immediately returned. 

A glance out to his side showed Cas slumped back in his seat, a sated, crooked smile on his face and his head lulled back over the seat with his eyes closed. Dean wanted to kiss that smile, but forced himself to focus back on the road and the long fingers snugly held between his own. A thumb stroking idly over the back of Cas' hand as he did so. 

As they reached the parking lot of the apartment building Cas forced himself to sit upright, rolling his shoulders before releasing Deans hand to stretch in his seat. 

Dean smirked as he parked the car and turned to face Cas who was turned to face him as well, back against the door and body relaxed. 

"I had a good time tonight." He drawled, leaning forward to rest is forehead against Cas'. 

"So did I." Cas replied before ducking his head to the side and pressing his lips to Deans in a quick kiss. "We should do this again.." He mumbled against the other man's lips before pulling away. 

Dean nodded enthusiastically. "Hell yeah." He agreed with a grin before turning and climbing out of the car. Cas followed suit and the two linked hands again as they walked back into the building and to the elevator. 

Dean walked Cas to his door, kissing him goodnight and watching him disappear inside before turning and walking the short distance to his own door. His lips still tingle from the feel of Cas' on them and he absently ran a finger over them as he walked through his apartment.  

First things first. He made a b-line for the shower where he did his absolute best not to think too much about how good Cas looked with his lips kiss swollen and hair mussed from Dean's hand running through it while they went at it like horny teenagers. Yeah, that train of thought just led Dean to jack off in the shower and finish with his face buried in the crook of his arm where it was against the wall as he moand out Cas' name. He went to bed after that with a dopey grin of his own as he thought about the Cas on the other side of the wall going to sleep feeling the same. 

~~~~ 

Cas leaned back against the closed door with a contented sigh. Aside from his underwear sticking to him uncomfortably he felt good. A little heavy from the long day, but good. He pushed away from the door and shucked off his jacket, hanging it on it's hook before wandering into the kithen to grab a glass of water. 

A moment later he heard Meg walk in behind him and chuckle. "Have a good time?" She asked from where she was leaned against the doorway. 

Cas turned to face her, chugging down his water before answering. "Very." Was all he said before giving her a smirk and moving past her to head for the bathroom. He needed a shower, desperately. Even if it did mean he wouldn't be able to smell Dean on him anymore. 

Meg crinkled her nose at him as he moved past. "I can smell that. How much did you have to drink?" She asked, followed after him. 

"Three pint's of Guinness." He said dismissively, he had a fairly high tolerance, and she knew it. Hell she was the one who got him drunk the first time and bitched the whole while that he drank three quarters of the bottle on her. He was buzzed at most, and most of that was faded away after the night's activities. 

Meg followed him into the bathroom and watched him set his Ipod on the dock before starting up the shower. "So spill, he must be special." 

"Define special." Cas asked with a huff before hitting play on his Ipod and beginning to strip. 

Meg rolled her eyes and leaned against the doorway. "I just mean you haven't screwed around with anyone but me in over a year. And even then you were more interested in getting me off than anything else." She said with a shrug before stepping in and taking a seat on the toilet as Cas removed the last of his clothes and hopped into the shower. 

Cas shrugged behind the shower curtain. "Baby steps?" He said before sticking his head under the spray. "I didn't have a panic attack.." He added in a low voice as he grabbed the body wash and shower puff and began to wash up. 

"That's good." Meg paused, watching Cas start to scrub himself behind the curtain. "So does that mean he didn't do anything that would normally trigger you, or that you're starting to do better with being touched?" She asked, tilting her head and hoping that didn't come out wrong. 

Cas paused his movement for a moment before continuing to run his blue body puff over himself. "I took lead on things, so he didn’t really have the opportunity to do anything that would normally trigger me.. I trust Dean.. I know if anything happens he'll understand and stop..." 

Meg turned so her arms were resting on the sink, her chin resting on them. "Alright. If he does anything to hurt you I will torture him though. I mean it, Clarence, no one will find the body." 

Cas huffled a laugh and rinsed off quickly before grabbing a towel and stepping out of the shower. "I know. And I'll help you hide the body. Now let's go to bed. I'm exhausted." He said as he wrapped said towel around himself and strode past his friend towards his bedroom. 

Meg rolled her eyes and followed after him. "Lead the way.." 


	14. Accents and Gossip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am soooo sorry it's taken me so long to write any more of this! My mind has been all over the place and trying to focus on writing has been a bitch! I'm sorry this chapter is shorter than the others, but I'll try and make it up to you next time ;) Hope you all enjoy!

For a brief moment Cas had no idea why they felt the obvious weight of someone at their side. Opening their eyes a crack they saw Chester first, curled up and purring on their chest. Letting their head tilt to the side they came face to face with a head of long dark curls. Meg was using their shoulder as a pillow, her nose tucked against their throat and an arm and leg slung over them haphazardly. 

Cas held back a chuckle at how clingy she was in her sleep, before kissing her forehead and allowing themself to drift back off for a while. 

The next time Cas awoke it was to Meg climbing over them and heading for the bathroom. Chester abandoned them next and with a groan they pushed themself up and out of bed. Judging from the amount of light filtering in Cas hazarded a guess that it was around 8 in the morning. Wandering into the kitchen their guess was confirmed by the little glowing numbers on the microwave.  

The clock read 8:23 and Cas scratched at their somewhat stubbled jaw absently before setting about making a pot of coffee and pulling the things they would need to make some eggs and toast. 

Meg wandered in as Cas was cracking eggs into a pan. She walked up behind the taller brunette and wrapped her arms around their middle, letting her head rest against their right shoulder blade. "It's too damn early, why are you out of bed." She grumbled before giving Cas a squeeze. 

"Unlike you, I work during the day." Cas replied before tossing the now empty egg shells into the nearby trash can. "I made coffee." They added before picking up a spatual and poking at the eggs before them. 

"Bless you." She deadpanned before letting go of Cas' middle and turning to fix them both a cup. "So, what's on the agenda for today? Aside from taking me to lunch to celebrate my re-entry into your dull life, that is." 

Cas rolled their eyes before poking absently at an egg as it sizzled away. "I traded shifts with Charlie, so have work from 1 to 5 this evening. Then Balthazar and Dean are coming over for dinner around 6. It's Balthazar's turn to bring dinner, so I assume it will be either Thai or Indian food." 

Meg set a coffee cup beside the stove for Cas before taking a seat at the kitchen table. "So early lunch and I'll go explore the town until dinner?" Meg suggests before taking a sip of her coffee. 

Cas nodded their agreement. "That sounds good. I have a spare key in the bedroom, you're welcome to it."  

"Does Balthazar have a key?" Meg asked, one eyebrow raising quizzically. 

"He does," Cas said with an nod before adding "but only for the main lock. The spare ring in my room has one for the deadbolt as well. You're welcome to keep both." 

"Well don't I feel special." Meg said with a toothy grin. 

Cas huffed and rolled their eyes before plating their eggs and toast. "You know I love you, and you are special. Now shut up and eat your breakfast before I change my mind about giving you the keys to my apartment." They gave me a flat look, placing both their plates on the table before grabbing their own coffee and some silverware. 

Meg took her fork and dug in without any hesitation. "Love you too, Cas." She mumbled before taking a bite of egg and acting like she said nothing. 

Cas smiled softly at Meg's words before pretending the heard nothing and set in to eat their own breakfast. 

The rest of the morning went fairly uneventfully. Cas didn't feel like either gender today, so they dressed fairly neutral. Jeans and a t-shirt with a red hoodie was the clothing choice of the day. They did go for flats instead of sneakers though, because hey, they were damn comfortable. 

Cas took Meg to the diner Dean had taken them to for breakfast that one time. The place was busy enough that the cook himself would duck out now and then to deliver plates to tables. Both Cas and Meg found it charming and found themselves fascinated by the man's accent when he spoke to waitstaff and the others customers. 

As it turned out the cooks name was Benny. He was from a little town in Louisiana, and he had moved to Lawrence when he was a teenager. The man was downright chatty when the rush died down and he stayed out in the diner talking to anyone and everyone when he didn't need to be out back cooking. 

That's where Cas left Meg, seated at the counter while she chatted up a storm with Benny about how she was moving to town soon and would love to get to know him better. Benny was more than happy to chat with the feisty brunette, politely waving goodbye to Cas as they left but not taking his eyes off of Meg. 

Cas hummed to themself as they jogged back to the apartment. They had more than enough time to get to work, but they had skipped their run in favor of spending time with Meg and the rush of moving fast and stretching their muscles felt good after the lazy morning and big meal. 

Work felt exceptionally slow today. Cas found themselves scribbling on a piece of scrap paper as they sat behind the counter. The only nose at the moment was coming from Jo and Aaron who were currently making several pies for an order placed by a local school teacher.  

"So, Cas," Jo began from her place behind the back counter. "Do anything fun this weekend?" She asked, looking back at them over her shoulder before going back to rolling out dough. 

Cas looked up from where they were bent over the front counter, pencil tapping at the piece of paper currently half covered with doodles of flowers and bees. "My friend Meg's come to visit, so I spent some time with her." They said, looking back down to finish a line they had been in the middle of drawing. "I also went on a date." They added, not looking back up from the piece of paper. 

"Oh?" This time Aaron was the one to speak. "Who with?" He asked, turning to fully face Cas. He had flour smudged on his left cheek and a splatter of pie filling on the chest of his apron. 

Jo turned to face Cas as well. "Yeah, spill. Who managed to catch your picky attention?" Jo teased. Cas had been asked out by a few customers over the short time they had worked there, and they had politely turned down each invitation for dinner or drinks. 

Cas snorted at the comment. "I went out with Dean. And I'm not "picky", I'm cautious. The customers who hit on me were unaware of my gender identity and most likely wouldn't have been alright with it. Accepting their offers would likely not have ended well and it didn't seem worth the potential drama." They explained calmly.  

Cas looked up in time to watch Jo and Aaron exchange looks of surprise then acceptance before both shrugging and looking back to Cas. 

"So, how did It go?" The two bakers asked in unison. 

Cas rolled their eyes and set the pencil they were holding down, obviously they weren't going to be drawing anymore. "It went well. We went to the Road House for dinner and drinks. We danced, then he took me home." Cas explained, face going a little warm at the memory of the part of the night they were omitting. 

Jo balked at Cas. "You got Dean to dance? Seriously? The one night I'm not working and you get Dean to dance. Dude!" 

Cas chuckled. "I believe I saw your mother taking pictures at one point." He offered, smiling at the blonde who looked a tad annoyed that she missed the sight. 

"Bless that woman!" Jo proclaimed dramatically before turning back to her pie crusts. 

Aaron just shook his head and turned back to making pie filling. He never spoke much, but Cas had come to appreciate it. They weren't particularly chatty themself and it was nice to have a coworker who didn't make them feel pressured to indulge in small talk all day. 

The rest of the shift went a little more eventfully. A class of middle schoolers came at three for an after school trip to pick apples. Cas spent a good hour weighing bags and ringing them up for teachers and parents while answering questions the kids had about various things around the store. 

10 after 5 Cas found themself behind the wheel of their car, shooting Meg and Dean both a text that he would be home soon and that Balthazar said he would be there at 6 with enough Thai food to feed a small army. Meg replied with a thumbs up emoji and Dean said he would be there at 10 of with beer. 

With that Cas pocked their phone and mentally prepared for the evening. This was going to be interesting. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! Next chapter shall be dinner with Dean, Meg and Balth! Be afraid! Or not? ;) what do y'all think will happen?


	15. Awkward Dinners and New Friends (sort of)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my loves! Sorry it took so long to get you a new chapter! I got major writers block on this one. Also I haven't written a scene with this many characters in a while, so trying to remember to write for 4 was a bit of a challenge. Hope you all enjoy!

Cas arrived home to find Meg sprawled on the couch with music blasting loud enough that they could hear it as they walked down the hall from the elevator. As they entered the apartment it became clear she was playing the Rise Against playlist Cas had made to run to. 

"Since when do you listen to melodic hardcore?" Cas asked as they walked in and turned the volume down to a more reasonable level. 

Meg glanced over at him, one eyebrow raised. "Since when do you?"  

"Since a few weeks ago." Cas said with a shrug before coming over and picking up Megs feet. They put them on their lap as they sat down and idly rubbed one of her ankles as they answered. "I like the beat, it's nice to run to." 

Meg hummed and nodded her understanding. "It's pretty good, though I've been telling you that you would like metal for years." 

Cas rolled their eyes. "I apologize for not listening to you sooner." They said flatly. 

"Damn straight you apologize." She said with a smirk. "I have excellent tastes." 

"Speaking of, how did the rest of your afternoon go."  

Meg hummed in thought a moment. "I have a date the weekend after I officially move in to my new apartment. He even offered to come help me move." She said while examining her nails. 

Cas laughed and shook their head before removing Meg's feet from their lap and heading for the kitchen. "Of course he did." They said before entering the kitchen and starting to take down plates and get the table ready for dinner. It was 5:46 now, so Dean and Balth would be arriving soon. 

Sure enough right as Cas was setting silverware down beside the stack of plates there came a knock at the door. 

"I'll get it." Meg called as she quickly headed for the door. 

Cas heaved a sigh and went to grab a stack of napkins next. 

Meg opened the door to find a freshly showered Dean, clad in a tight black t-shit and jeans. He looked a little surprised to see Meg behind the door yet again, but quickly smiled at her and held up a 6-pack. "I come baring beer." He said with a wink. 

Meg gave a small smile in return, eyeing him up and down and opened the door the rest of the way to let him in. "One of my favorite things to hear a man say." She said as she let him into the apartment. 

Dean chuckled at that. "Well, I do aim to please." He said as he kicked off his boots beside the others next to the door. "Cas home yet?" He asked as he headed towards the kitchen. 

"In here." Cas called from where they was stood in front of the open fridge. "Hello, Dean." They greeted as the blonde entered the room a moment later with Meg on his heel.  

"Hey, Cas." Dean said, setting the 6-pack down in the middle of the table before coming over and giving Cas a quick kiss on the lips that left both of them smiling stupidly. "How was your day?" 

"It was good." Cas said with a hum and nod before grabbing a pitcher of water from the fridge and finally closing it. They set it on the table before heading to the living room to turn the music Meg left playing off. 

Dean turned to face Meg then. "How about you?" 

Meg took a seat at the table and grabbed a beer from the 6-pack before answering. "Productive." She said vaguely before popping the top off her beer and taking a long swig from it.  

Dean raised a brow at her. "Dare I ask what that means?" 

Meg smiled at him from behind the lip of the bottle. "I acquainted myself with a bit of the town"  

"And the cook at the diner." Cas supplied as they re-entered the room, coming to sit at the table opposite Meg.  

Dean took the seat between them and gave Meg a surprised look. "Benny?" 

Meg just took another drink of her beer. 

Cas rolled their eyes. "Meg charmed him into helping her move into her new apartment, as well as taking her on a date once she's settled."  

Dean laughed and grabbed himself a beer, shaking his head as he opened it. "Well congrats. Benny hasn't gone out with anyone since his ex-wife ran off on him with his old boss and the bulk of his combat pay from the marines. Was starting to think the guy gave up on having any kind of a love life."  he said as he eyed Meg carefully.  

"It's just one date, blondie. I'll go easy on him." Meg teased as she sat her beer on the table.  

"I know, I'm just sayin'." Dean added, tone a bit edged with warning before looking to Cas. "Anyway, aren't we missing someone?" He asked right as a bang came at the front door. 

Cas sighed and stood. "That would be Balthazar being dramatic." They said before walking out of the room again. 

A moment later Cas was walking back in, arms laden with two brown paper bags and a blonde man trailing behind carrying his own paper bag, a plastic bag hanging from one arm containing what looked like more beer. 

Dean stood quickly, taking one of the bags from Cas and setting it down on the counter before turning to face Balthazar.  

The shorter blonde set his bags on the counter alongside the ones Dean and Cas had set down before turning to face Dean in turn. He eyed the taller blonde up and down appraisingly. 

Dean held a hand out to the man. "You must be Balthazar, nice to meet you." He said, giving the other man an appraising once over of his own.  

Balthazar smiled and took Deans hand, giving it one firm shake before pulling away. "Yes, indeed. Well, Cassie has told me quite a bit about you." He said before turning back to start unloading a multitude of takeout containers onto the counter which Cas quickly began to transfer to the table. 

Dean raised a brow at the man and started to unload his own bag. "All good, I hope." He said lightly with a chuckle. 

Balthazar hummed "So far." 

"Balthazar, behave, please." Cas chided tiredly as they set the last carton of food on the table and took a seat. 

Balthazar spun around to face them with a pout. "I'm only teasing." 

Dean looked back and forth between the two as he moved to take up his seat again. Cas was glaring at Balthazar, who was giving a cheeky smile in return before he came to take up the last seat between Dean and Meg. 

Meg, of course, was ignoring the whole exchange in favor of loading plate with a little of everything on the table. 

Dean cleared his throat, breaking the staring contest between Cas and Balth so they both looked at him. "So, Balthazar, what was Cas like in college?" Dean asked as he started to fill his own plate. 

Balthazar grinned at that, making him look downright evil. "Oh, Cassie here wasn't all that different than they are now, though they did have quite the collection of stoner paraphernalia." He said lightly, shooting Cas a wink that made them rolls their eyes. 

Dean raised a brow at that, glancing from Balthazar to Cas. "Really? I didn't know you smoked, Cas."  

Cas groaned and took a long pull from their beer before speaking. "I quit years ago. The company I was hired by after college did random drug testing at least twice a year. It wasn't worth the possibility of being jobless." They explained before stuffing a bite of pad thai into their mouth. 

Dean nodded his understanding, the corner of his mouth curling up a bit as he tired not to smile. "So, what happened to all your 'paraphernalia' then?" He asked, tone teasing. 

"It's in a box back at my place." Meg supplied with a smirk before going back to eating. 

Cas gave her a questioning look. "You still have it? All of it?" They asked. 

Meg hummed around a bite of spring roll. "They come in handy now and then, plus I figured you might want back that fancy bong of yours some day." She said with a shrug. 

Dean chuckled a little. "So, aside from being a former stoner, anything else interesting I should know?" 

Suddenly Cas was glaring at Balthazar again, and Meg had her gaze firmly on her dinner. 

"No, that's about it." Cas said before taking another pull of their beer. 

Dean glanced back and forth between the three, hoping the tension in the room was something that would dissipate quickly. 

"So, Dean." Balthazar began. "Tell us a little about yourself." 

Dean blinked at the other blonde. "Not much to tell." He said with a shrug before stuffing the rest of a spring roll into his mouth gracelessly. 

"Oh I doubt that, handsome young man such as yourself. I bet you have all kinds of interesting stories." Balthazar said, smiling against the lip of his beer bottle. 

Dean shook his head as he swallowed. "Cliff notes version. I'm 26, an Aquarius, I have a BA in engineering and I work at my dads garage in town, which I will be becoming a part owner of in a few years when his partner retires. I have a kid brother that's studying Law at Stanford, and I'm allergic to cats." 

Cas chuckled and Meg and Balthazar just stared blankly for a moment. 

"You didn't tell me you're allergic to cats." Cas said, breaking the silence a few moments later. 

Dean smiled at them. "I take allergy meds, so it doesn't really bother me unless there are like, a lot of cats in one place. Or someone shoves a cat in my face." He joked before taking another sip of beer. 

After that they all slipped into a pleasant conversation about various topics. Meg was already warmed up to Dean and appeared to like him. Balthazar appeared to be on the fence to a degree, but he behaved himself and the rest of the evening went well. They all said goodnight around 10, after a few games of cards against humanity and Meg and Balthazar both telling embarrassing stories about Cas and each other. 

**Author's Note:**

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